On being thankful...

I get more and more thoughtful about Thanksgiving each year. It really is my favorite holiday. I guess as we age we begin to realize just how lucky we are.

Again, this year, I am thankful for family the most.

Jake who can build anything and who together we have built this beautiful life.

Molly who is the brightest, sweetest, bubbliest, funniest daughter a mom could ever hope for.

Shea who has taught me so much about patience and kindness and hope and acceptance.

Thanks goes to my generous parents who are an active part in their grandkids lives and are always up for an overnighter.

I am thankful for my brother and his beautiful, warm and gracious new family.

A give particular thanks for my dear friends on this sparkly rock in the middle of the sound. My live is rich with talk and ideas and laughter and love.

And, I am thankful for this sparkly rock itself! Somehow we managed to find the best place in the world for us.

I am thankful for my readers and the friends I have made through my blogs. I am thankful that I have found such a healthy, creative way to share some of life's quandaries. And, for all you great folks who actually read it. Bless your hearts!

Finally, this year I am thankful for our new pussy cat, Lulu, who has melted the crunchy exterior of our hearts and leaves only the ooy-gooy center with her crazy antics, purring snuggles and obliviousness about how hard to bite or whether that tea cup with tip or not.

I guess I am a pretty simple person. It doesn't seem like all that much now that I write it all out but I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Hope your holiday is warm and wonderful with friends and family.

A child's last wish

I just received this e-mail from cousin in Minnesota.

Diana Harrison Biorkman (friend of a friend) has a 5yr. old son who is in the last stages of a 2 1/2 yr. battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. The family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noah's request is to get lots of Christmas cards. If you have a moment could you send an extra Christmas card to:

Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountian View Circle
South Lyon, MI 48178

Such a small and simple request that we can do for someone. If you know anyone else who might be willing to send Noah a card, please share his address. Wouldn't it be neat to receive so many well-wishes and Christmas greetings from around the US?

Tomorrow is a holiday but I am going to get one put together to mail on Thursday.

What do you say folk?

Can we surprise a brave little kid and give him his wish?

Kitten therapy

As yet still un-named but oozing in adorableness, meet our new kitten. A teeny-tiny kitten has moved into our house and hearts. None are immune.

Here she is doing "Cat in the Hat" for Halloween.

Why now? Our good old timer cat, Hector, has gone to the great big litter box in the sky. 17 years old. He had a good long mellow life and was a particular friend of Shea's. Back when Shea would only bestow words on us very sparingly, he willingly chat up a blue streak with Hector. They spoke the same language.

So now Hector is gone and we have adopted a new kitten, not just for Shea but for all of us. We could all use a dose of kitten antics in this house. Watching this little critter charm our socks off is pretty fun.

We're still naming though.

Top 5:

Lou-Lou
Cleo
Daisy
Princess
Bat cat (Shea's offering)

It's a real toss up!

UCLA Study on women's friendships and stress!

This is so interesting! Hat tip to my gal pal, Judith, for bring this to my attention.

I knew that having a good girlfriend was therapy but come to find out its like drugs! Good drugs!

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN
By Gale Berkowitz

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that spending time with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research, most of it on men, upside down.

"Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of
Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. "It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just "fight or flight."

"In fact," says Dr. Klein, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the "fight or flight" response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.

This calming response does not occur in men", says Dr. Klein, "because testosterone, which men produce in high levels when they're under stress, seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen", she adds, "seems to enhance it."

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha!" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. "There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded", says Dr. Klein." When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own.

I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something." The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant
implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men.

Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. "There's no doubt," says Dr. Klein, "that friends are helping us live." In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!

And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend, confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate.

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). "Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women," explains Dr. Josselson. "We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women.

It's a very healing experience."

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight

Excellent buddy

Shea had a play date on Saturday and obviously since I am bringing it up as news, it must be unusual. I guess it is.

Oh he hangs out with his sister and the neighbor girls but he is the littlest therefore he is a minority of one and not always treated as well as I would hope for him.

I have tried to do playdates but they really are tricky. I have to be honest. Seeing my kid next to a typically developing kid just hurts. Still does. Oh, we do plenty of it anyway but it hard for me to witness.

I have tried making connections with the other special kids in Shea's class with not much luck. Remember; the special kids are picked up and dropped off with door to door service by the fabulous special bus. We happen to live very close to the school so I do a lot of dropping off and picking up but not many special parents do.

I have written about this before. It is easy to just let them be. It is easy to not really be very plugged into the classroom happenings when you aren't there. Believe me, all the other typically developing parents are there. But special parents usually aren't.

So it has been slow going meeting other special parents who would like to connect. That is why I was so thrilled to run into one mom recently. Of course, I met her at Granny's and her eyes lit up when she realized I was another special mommy too.

So we planned a play date at my house last weekend and it was a great success. It made me realize that Shea really needs this and I need to provide it with more regularity.

He was so excited he could barely spit his words out but they got along pretty good. Shea was thrilled to show off his treasures but there was a little bit of scuffling over "stuff". Pretty mild really.

When his mom came to pick up, I am afraid I blabbed her ear off.

I guess we could all use a few more playdates with the right people.

The Lemonade Stand Blog Award

I got a pleasant surprise today and we could all use more of those, right?

A very nice lady with a pretty darn cool blog sent me an award! Yes, an AWARD! How fun is that?

She says I get to revel in the glory for a bit then pass it on to 10 blogs that I would like to nominate. Ten?! Ten blogs that I love and adore. Gladly.

I will revel then I will pass it on. As it should be. But first I just have a few words to say... ahem...

Tossing things out there into the blogosphere is fabulously fun. I didn't really know it would be when I first started. At the beginning it was painful. I would cry while I wrote; feeling exposed somehow as I hit the post button. This was writing therapeutically; a pressure release during those early "acceptance" days with Shea. I am thankful that I had it.

Those early days are dark for any parent, only connecting with other parents seemed to help. A lot. I love it that I can throw out my tales and find people who can relate. I love that it is so easy to say, "Hi there. We have a big thing in common." to someone across the country or across the world.

My blogging is way beyond just therapy now although still very helpful, it is the community that keeps me typing tidbits and treasure from my life.

Everyone has a story while friendships can happen anywhere and anytime. So with that thought I would like to introduce you to my nominees for the Lemonade Blog Award.

...drumroll...

Bluestem
I like that your posts are short and sweet but you always have something deeper to say; the quintessential "less is more". I wish I could hang out in your garden and we could do some "zen" weeding.

Fearless Folks...autism and beyond...
I can't make any nominations without including you. Somehow I feel like you are part of my family. I just love reading your frank, open, thoughtful and often hilarious perceptions on life. Your posts stick with me for days. I wish we could sit down and sip one of those fancy martinis you make.

Stopsignfarm
Because without my best buddy I would never have started to blog.

Gwendomama
Your honesty, poise, strength and fortitude while sharing the good, the bad and the ugly inspires and humbles me. I wish I could invite you for brunch and hug you and the kids very tight.

Tribal Hedgehogs
Because my incredibly beautiful, creative and funny daughter has made her own website and she could use a little pub.

Over the moon and back again
Because you were my first friend I made through my blog. It was so fun to actually talk on the phone in real time. I still love keeping track of what you are doing. I wish we could meet at the park so our boys could play.

Notes from the cookie jar
Because you were so friendly and supportive at the beginning. Your own story gave me so much hope in those dark early days. Plus your food porn shots make my tummy growl. Jeez, how do you do it? I wish we could meet over one or more of your cookies.

The Quirk Factor
Because you totally crack me up! Even in the face of the super scary, like loosing your house to fire, you kept it all together with grace. You are a force to be reckoned with. I wish I could take you shopping at my favorite thrift store, Granny's Attic.

Ends with 8741
Poet, philosopher, writer, parent. Where else would I get to hear about an Oprah sighting and get to see excellent rock sculptures all in the span of a week or so. You, my girl, are diverse and I love that about you. I wish you could show me the hot spots of Chicago.

Jon's mom
Because I liked how you were thinking big with Jon's Room. You inspired me to try and reach a broader audience. I wish we could meet for coffee and brainstorm.

And, that is my 10. So congratulations to us all.

Keep up the good work, each and every one of you.

Friendship rules

I thought this was a helpful list to bring up as the school year begins!

From Seattle Woman Magazine, Karen West:

1. Think Before You Speak: Is it nice? Is it necessary? Is it true?

2. Lying is NEVER OK!

3. Notice when a friend needs support — good friends don’t only think of themselves!

4. Kindness makes good friendships. ALWAYS BE KIND!

5. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself!

6. ALWAYS INCLUDE EVERYONE — especially at school!

7. When there is a disagreement about what to play — Take Turns and Cooperate! (Rock, Paper, Scissors)

8. Friends don’t get mad at little things — be tolerant!

9. Friends realize that sometimes it’s important to JUST LISTEN! You don’t always have to have the last word.

10. Friends take turns instead of arguing. You don’t have to always be first!

11. Friends don’t tease hurtfully about someone’s size, shape, color, clothes or other traits.

12. Friends are not bossy — they don’t threaten not to be your BFF anymore!

13. Pull people up — DON’T put people down!

14. SECRETS ARE DANGEROUS! They can come between friends and it’s really hard to know who you can trust with them.

15. Don’t Be Selfish!

16. Don’t Brag!

17. Always Include Everybody! Save special play time for play dates or time at home.

18. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be mad. It’s not OK to be BAD! (Mean or Unkind)

19. If you get into an argument — TALK IT OUT!

20. Be LOYAL to your friends!

Happy Mother's Day: all species

Cinco de Mayo!

Viva!

Good bye, dude!

Childhood friendships are a very fickle thing. Especially if you're special.

Shea told me this morning that a certain kid who he had been friends with told him that he didn't want to play with him anymore.

Hard to know what to say to that.

I guess the good news is that Shea is talking about it. But, ouch.

Then he said another friend, who was a best buddy just weeks ago, didn't want to play with him either.

It's hard to know the context of all this. Or how real any of it is. I am trying not to make a big deal about it. But I did write a little note to the teacher asking her if she thought it was real.

"Oh well. There are other kids to play with, right? Maybe they will want to play another day." I say brightly, all the while cringing and worried.

That seemed to do the trick and he proceeded to tell me about running a race with yet another kid.

It is hard as a parent to watch this from the sidelines. Each cut gets me too.

Maybe I should be proactive with this new friend that he had the race with. We saw him and his mom at the grocery store.

"Hi Shea!" he said.

"Hi dude!" Shea waving excitedly.

"Hey dude!" he giggled back clearly in on the joke.

More giggles.

"Good bye dude!"

I looked at his mother with amusement. "Shall we try and get these two together for a playdate sometime?" I offered.

"I think we should." she said laughing.

I need to follow that up. But, I wonder how hard to push these things. I would never want to force a relationship for my special kid. It seems like a recipe to backfire.

I will wait for a sunny day and invite them to the beach. Something safe and neutral. I guess I owe it to Shea to keep trying.

As the years go on it is going to get harder. I know that. I've cut my teeth with the first kid but this feels different. This brings up the profound vulnerability again. The mommy bear protectiveness. The "what if it was different" pointless wishes.

Does it ever get easier? No. Probably not.

National Friendship Week

I found this out in the ether of cyberspace and just had to share it. And, to all my friends, I sure do appreciate you! XOX

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour? She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain...' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now....go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will under stand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift.......Thrown away..... Life is not a race Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week.. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to.... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!

Connections

One of the reasons I started this blog is to connect with people in an easy, fun way. Sure, it is a great way for family and friends to stay in touch and I love that. But, I wanted to connect with people like me who may feel or have felt the profound isolation and vulnerability of being a special parent. Nothing is lonelier than that.

I am always mightily touched and gratified when a little piece of magical connection happens. And, don't think I exaggerate; I do think of it as magic.

Thank you to all the people who leave little comments or visit my blog. Maybe you know exactly what it is like, maybe you are just starting out or maybe you are just curiously peaking from the edge. Frankly, it doesn't matter because I just don't feel as alone anymore and for that, I sincerely thank you.

I remember when it began to dawn on me that Shea had real challenges that he was not going to just "grow out of". Those were black days indeed. I had to get my brain around what being "special" really was and how I was going to look at it. Denial and avoidance don't work for very long as a strategy and the only real comfort I could find was hearing other "special" parents stories. Those parents understood. I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices; they knew exactly what I was going through.

And, what I was able to see was that these parents love their kids as much or more because of the struggle. Just like other parents, they try to see the world objectively to predict the pitfalls and soften the stumbles but even more so. Specials parents possess an almost herculean energy, drive and focus fueled by these frustrations and sorrows. In fact, I doubt there is anything a special parent can not do once they set their mind to it, except of course make their child different than who they are. Many special parents throw themselves into activism, research, art, writing which perhaps is the healthier side of the equation. Many special parents buckle under the strain, both financial and emotional and it is common for marriages and partnerships to dissolve.

It is up to each of us to find and adopt the path that will guide us during these rocky years. After a while, a body of experience builds up in each of us. Whether we believe we have wisdom to impart or advise to give, we do. Because part of this struggle is to somehow, some way not feel so alone.

That is what I want to do with my blog. I am no writer but if I can touch one person and make them feel like they are part of a bigger community of parents who all know what it is like to weep, fight and struggle for their child with special needs then I have succeeded.

So, cheers to you, reader! Thank you for helping me help someone who is helping yet another. This is what it is all about.

Can't we all just get along?

This is a video of a homeless man in Santa Barbara and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow. They are a family. The man who owns them rigged a harness up for his cat so she wouldn't have to walk so much (like the dog and himself). At some juncture the rat came along, and as no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and, often, on the cat! The dog, will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches. The Mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a holiday card.

Hat tip: Thanks for sending this Laurie, of Laurie's Playground our wonderful OT

Sentences are coming

"Walking man go to the Z-O-O- Zoo! See lots of animals." Animals came out more like, "amanals" but close. Shea was very talkative at dinner and seems to have a verbalization boost in the evenings.

Articulation is still challenging and I find that I still do a lot of translating for him. But, at least he is trying. I wonder if I should just shut up and let people figure it out.

Bubble lady (our speech pathologist) makes a concerted effort to really push him. He will say, "hard one" or "hard word" and not want to even try. She spends a bit of time telling him that it may be hard at first but then it does get easier. She used the "Little Engine that could" story as inspiration. Sometimes he will give it a try, sometimes not.

I celebrate the successes he does have no matter what and try not to dwell on his frustration. I wonder if I am protecting myself as much as him. I focus on how wonderful it is that he can say his alphabet and count to 30 (or so). I was dazzled when he started singing the "Happy Birthday song" the other day. When did he pick that up?

Not being able to talk as well as your friends has got to be a very frustrating, humiliating daily occurrence. I bleed for him and naturally try to protect him. But, for his own good, I need to broaden his relationships. Our OT is suggesting one-on-one play dates, which will give him needed practice. I shouldn't be but I am nervous to reach outside of our protective little universe; of rejection for him and me, setting him up for ridicule, inviting someone into his life that won't be as understanding as his family. But, I have delayed long enough.

This morning I made a necessary step. I called the mom of one of Shea's little buddies at the developmental preschool who is a "typical peer" meaning he is not "special" or doesn't have an IEP. His mother was lovely and said "yes, let's get those boys together." Even though the weather has been cold, I will suggest a meet up at Ober park to play before afternoon preschool. I will spend a little bit of time telling her about Shea's challenges just so that she can ask any questions or clarify the reality for herself and her son. Then, I hope to jettison that part of the conversation and just let them be.

Visions of regular weekly play dates flit through my brain. Summer activities and Shea having a "best friend". Hold up, mommy. Gotta walk before you can run, speak before you can sing.

So, here is to finding your feet and your voice, little man.

The best neighbors in the world

I haven't waxed nostalgic about our terrific neighbors much. But, I should. I am reminded often at how fortunate we are to have good friends just next door.

Let me explain.

I met Kathleen and her daughter Mary when the girls were just babies, about 1 year old. I had joined Co-op preschool at South Seattle Community College and we hit it off. I didn't last with Co-op for very long, something about me just isn't really very cooperative, I guess. But, Kathleen would come over to my house in W. Seattle every week and we would have a big long play date with the kids. Soon she was pregnant with #2.

I remember the first time I met her husband Casey. He was almost as ornery as my husband Jake and got along famously with very little preliminaries. He left that night with, "I showed up thinking I wouldn't like you people but I was wrong. I do." Now that is honesty.

Time goes on. #2 kid was another girl, Clare. We moved to Vashon and even though it is only a 10 minute ferry ride from W. Seattle, not many friends made the trek. But, they did. They would come out with the kids for a weekend night and hang out. We would have BBQs and laugh and drink a bit too much and talk about them selling their house and moving to Vashon.

Well, they weren't blowing smoke, they did just that. But, wait it gets weirder. At the time, real estate was HOT and they sold their house in 3 days for full price. They frantically looked at everything available on Vashon in their price range, something like 5 houses. I listened to the horror stories of the sliding hillside above the house or the sheer cliff at the edge of the lawn and I opened my mouth with those fateful words.

"You know, our neighbor is selling her house FSBO (for sale by owner). I think she is asking $240K" Well, of course, they checked it out and it was "just right".

It has been interesting. The kids have easy access pals. Which at times can create some little kid drama but most of the times it is just wonderful. I take all the kids to movies and Casey just dropped Molly off from taking them all swimming tonight. Shea is the lone boy of the batch and has a special place in Casey's heart. Summer days are filled with kids running back and forth between the yards and scamming Popsicles off each household. As it should be.

There have been times when I have taken it for granted and have not appreciated it as I should. But, this is a rare and special thing; friends and neighbors. We love you L family and we always will.

And...they're off!

Well, the season has official begun for our family.

Thanksgiving was a lush, fragrant, delicious, slightly tight waist-bandy sort of day. Many thanks to my excellent GGF for once again inviting my whole brood to her house for the day.

The day after Thanksgiving is the traditional Gingerbread making event at my mom's. Her place sports this iconic view of beautiful Seattle and is the quintessential "party house". Some considerable time was spent trying to remember just how many years we have been doing this. Definitely more than 15 was the conclusion; we couldn't pin it down closer than that.

My mom invites a literal horde of folks with their kids to her house for the day. Dazzled by the piles of every kind of candy imaginable and buckets of different colored frostings, most people just need a little time to just take it all in but eventually serious work begins. My mom made 15 separate Gingerbread house this year; simple cottages and sprawling Victorian Mansions. For the slightly overwhelmed there are all sorts of sugar cookies to decorate; elaborate or plain, they are eaten all the same.

Some people really get into it and a design competition could break out each year; usually with Grampa John or stepbrother David winning hands down. But all the results are truly incredible and each person is encouraged to take their house home. I myself don't tackle a whole house but usually spend my creative energy on frosting and decorating piles and piles of cookies.

My addition to the tradition is to get a big pot of soup cooking on the stove. It is fun to cook as a group, take turns stirring through out the day and then it warms us all at dinner time. Of course, the kids didn't eat much being sugar buzzed from frosting overload. But, all in all it is a lovely day; spent with friends new and old, beloved family members watching the kids creating fun memories.

My kids usually stay the night with plans of putting up the tree with my mom the next day. All went as planned without too much mishap this year. I am always impressed with my mom's energy and good graces to host a big event like that with absolutely no eye ball rolling or griping about the mess. She really is a saint. John too.

Thanks mom, for starting these fun traditions and keeping them up. I guess that is what its all about and because of you we are banking so many wonderful memories to savor through out the year and beyond.

Movie Review: Bolt

Both kids and I checked out "Bolt" last night. We hooked up with a variety of mom & kid friends and took over nearly a full row at our wonderful little Vashon Theatre.

The new Disney movie was a predictably tour-de-force adventure with consistently top wrung voice talent and Bolt was no disappointment.

The story was about a dog who plays an adventure hero on television with a kid spy. He doesn't realize that the adventures are just pretend since the truth has been kept from him intentionally. He has a rude awakening, makes some friends and has a wowzer of a cross country trip to get back to his beloved "person". Hilarity ensued.

For me, my favorite character was the hamster living his life in a Lucite ball watching way too much TV. And, the pigeons; all of them were just incredible.

One disturbing side story was the mother of the child star who was continually ignored and disregarded by the selfish and greedy agent. Reminding me of my severe skepticism for parents who push their children in that arena. At the end, the mother pays him back with a satisfying "We quit!" and kicks him out.

I thought it was a pretty solid lesson on how empty, lonely and weird growing up as a child star must be. Then come to find out, the voice for the child star was no other than Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana. Speaking of pimping your kid to Hollywood. The irony was not lost.

Basically, it was a fun movie. Molly really liked it but it was a little much for Shea. I would rent it again but not sure if I'd buy it.

Sanity = good girl friends

I have found over the years that my mental health is directly proportionate to my good girl friend quotient or GGF. I love my husband and I literally tell him everything but this can not replace the GGF. I am not talking about a quantity thing; this is not about "lots of friends". This is a quality thing. In fact, if a woman has one real GGF in her life than I consider them a lucky person.

How does it happen? Organically. So many adult relationships seem to be comprised of adjacency; kids around the same age, living nearby, commute or working together, hobbies and interests in common. Our lives are busy; it all has to make sense. GGFs are no different.

I remember I was freshly pregnant with Shea, just a couple of months, barely showing but feeling sick and excited. I decided I had to start walking and getting some exercise. One of the downsides of my beautiful little island that I am lucky enough to live on is I do a lot of driving. Long gone are those days of walking to the grocery store and to do neighborhood errands. That went away when we left the big city and came to our little rural oasis.

The long and the short; I was really getting out of shape. And, now I was pregnant at 39 to top it all off. That frightening reality got me out the door and I started walking in the morning after I dropped my daughter off at Kindergarten. I walked alone for a month or two; spontaneously ran into another mom here and there but didn't really have a walking buddy.

I remember I was hanging out waiting to pick up Molly and a woman said to me, "I see you out there walking. Good for you." I sincerely asked her if she would like to join me. As luck would have it, she was quitting her job to be around more for her Kindergartner who happened to be in Molly's class. We commented on the obvious adorableness on each others children and she took me up on that walk.

We walked every morning all through my pregnancy. And, you know, that exercise did help to get the old body back even after a C-section.

5 years later, we still walk almost everyday. But let me be clear; this is not just exercise. This is therapy. This is a bull session, coffee clatch, stitch and bitch all rolled into one. This is about girl time to kvetch, whine, ask advise, get pats on the back. This is sanity, pure and simple. I miss it physically and mentally when we don't walk. And, as our endurance has increased, we puff and moan less as we climb hills; an honest to goodness friendship has grown.

We were lucky, our politics and and interests coincided nicely. Of similar age, going though many of the same things; we filled the walks with stories and comparisons, sagas and tributes. I respected her mind, accomplishments and perspective. Let's just state it simply; it was a good fit and now I can't imagine her not part of my life.

Time goes on; even more quickly now. Our kindergartners are in 5th grade now, getting ready for middle-school (gulp). Yet we have no problem filling our walk time with plenty of new comment and conjecture. And, yes; we ask others to join us. We try to share this little piece of magic we have developed together.

So, hats of to the GGF! What would we do without them? If you are lacking, then cast about, she is out there; waiting for you to extend a hand. You never know who will become indispensable in your life.

Mommy guilt or battling the many headed Hydra

"I wonder if my egg was too old?" I remember actually saying this several times and thinking it many. How could anyone not be just a little bit horrified to hear a mother say that. Oh, they were, I am sure of it.

Mommy guilt is a natural part of motherhood. I say motherhood because I don't think fathers bludgeon themselves to the extent that mothers do. Maybe I am wrong but it always seems fathers are just a bit more pragmatic about parenting.

I would describe it as tap dancing through a mine field. When you least expect it; Pow! I wonder if I breast fed long enough? Pow! Maybe I didn't sing to him enough as an infant? Pow! Is he getting enough; food, time, therapy? Pow! It's a no-win war with your own worst enemy and there is no winner in sight.

I think that if your child has special issues, you tend to beat yourself up even more. Maybe it's because it's really one of the only things you can do. Not being able to "make your kid ok" is the hardest, most vulnerable feeling in the world. Being out of control, not being in charge is excruciating for many of us. At least with mommy guilt, we apply the pressure ourselves even if it can be unfairly placed, anxiety provoking and many times irrational.

I feel guilty about Shea all the time. As I try to give voice to the worry it seems flimsy and unsubstantial. Yet, when I wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep, the guilt is black, deep and amorphous as storm clouds. During the day, guilt is an annoying mosquito; never far from my ear yet easier to ignore as you go about the tasks and duties of life.

I am from the generation that felt like we could have it all. The first generation of girls who grew up with Woman's Lib as a done deal. We didn't have to burn our bras or do epic battle with the status quo but we saw our mothers, teachers, aunts and heroes do it. They did it so we didn't have to, right? Tail end of the boomers; we knew we could have careers, interests, lovers, a full rich life before we settled down to motherhood. Oh, and we did; those were the days my friend. We were the ones that put off babies until later and later in life. Look at me; Molly came when I was 34, Shea when I was 39. We didn't think anything about it. It wasn't odd; in fact it was considered modern, wise, the smart way to do it.

And, yes, there is some wisdom to this. Older parents tend to be more relaxed, financially and emotionally stable. But, there are down sides, of course. And, maybe this is where the guilt comes back into it.

There is something a little wacky about having children during the classic mid-life crisis years. What we we thinking? Or having them so near Menopause. Again, what were we thinking? Then there is just the physical demands. Parenthood is exhausting; even more so if you have some years under your belt. Yes, we are more emotionally stable but maybe we are too thoughtful at times, too circumspect after seeing all we have seen. Dare I say too controlling, set in our ways? Plus, there is the reality of time. I will probably be an old, old lady (if I am lucky enough to still be around) by the time Molly and Shea have children. I probably won't have the luxury of being the spry, springy Grandma like my mom.

So, unfortunately I don't have a silver bullet for this particular beast. I sure wish I did; I would make a fortune. What to do? Get some exercise so that sleep comes easier. Cultivate a small select garden of good girlfriends who will listen and bring you back down to earth. Listen to your husband when he says, "Don't worry, honey." Love your kids, try to be a little kinder to yourself and count your blessings.