Friendship rules

I thought this was a helpful list to bring up as the school year begins!

From Seattle Woman Magazine, Karen West:

1. Think Before You Speak: Is it nice? Is it necessary? Is it true?

2. Lying is NEVER OK!

3. Notice when a friend needs support — good friends don’t only think of themselves!

4. Kindness makes good friendships. ALWAYS BE KIND!

5. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself!

6. ALWAYS INCLUDE EVERYONE — especially at school!

7. When there is a disagreement about what to play — Take Turns and Cooperate! (Rock, Paper, Scissors)

8. Friends don’t get mad at little things — be tolerant!

9. Friends realize that sometimes it’s important to JUST LISTEN! You don’t always have to have the last word.

10. Friends take turns instead of arguing. You don’t have to always be first!

11. Friends don’t tease hurtfully about someone’s size, shape, color, clothes or other traits.

12. Friends are not bossy — they don’t threaten not to be your BFF anymore!

13. Pull people up — DON’T put people down!

14. SECRETS ARE DANGEROUS! They can come between friends and it’s really hard to know who you can trust with them.

15. Don’t Be Selfish!

16. Don’t Brag!

17. Always Include Everybody! Save special play time for play dates or time at home.

18. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be mad. It’s not OK to be BAD! (Mean or Unkind)

19. If you get into an argument — TALK IT OUT!

20. Be LOYAL to your friends!

Perspective on "special"

Not everything has changed since I was a kid.

When I was in 5th grade, the boys and the girls voluntarily sat separately during lunch time. Why? Just because.

Well, it isn't much different for my 5th grader but they are now getting pretty close to starting middle school and things start, only just a little bit at first, to look a little different between the boys and girls.

Yesterday for some unknown reason, a few boys came over to sit with Molly and the other girls. Something about getting away from a messy table or some other such excuse. They larked about, making jokes but one boy began being snarky about a 4th grade boy who was not around at the time and calling him a retard.

Molly piped right up and said, "He has autism, he is not retarded just a bit special."

The boys took that in but continued to snark, "He is so special with his specialness." Jokingly, probably not meaning real harm, maybe just intending to amateurishly flirt with the girls, just trying to get their attention in a ham handed pre-pubescent boy sort of way.

My Molly, my wonderful, intuitive, insightful, empathic big sister to Shea said, "You probably shouldn't say that kind of thing around me because my brother is special too and they can't help it."

That stopped them up short. "Is he retarded?", they soberly ask. "No." says Molly.

"Is he autistic?"

"No."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He has a real hard time speaking. He has to work really hard to make the words come out and still they sometimes sound different. He can't help it. He is special."

"How old is he?"

"Almost 5."

"Wow. That must be hard."

And, then they all moved onto other subjects with a bit more knowledge and hopefully a little bit more compassion.

There are times where I would give absolutely anything to be a fly on the wall or an ant on the lunch table. This was one of the those times.

Teen commits suicide due to bullying: parents sue school

Bullying is one of my hot buttons. This is such a tragic story and frightening that this kind of bullying could happen in front of teachers without them doing anything about it.

My heart goes out to this family.

From ABC News:

Eric Mohat, 17, was harassed so mercilessly in high school that when one bully said publicly in class, "Why don't you go home and shoot yourself, no one will miss you," he did.

Now his parents, William and Janis Mohat of Mentor, Ohio, have filed a lawsuit in federal court, saying that their son endured name-calling, teasing, constant pushing and shoving and hitting in front of school officials who should have protected him.

The lawsuit -- filed March 27, alleges that the quiet but likable boy, who was involved in theater and music, was called "gay," "fag," "queer" and "homo" and often in front of his teachers. Most of the harassment took place in math class and the teacher -- an athletic coach -- was accused of failing to protect the boy.

"When you lose a child like this it destroys you in ways you can't even describe," Eric Mohat's father told ABCNews.com.

The parents aren't seeking any compensation; rather, they are asking that Mentor High School recognize their son's death as a "bullicide" and put in place what they believe is a badly needed anti-bullying program.

Playground angst

And, so it begins... I know it's rough out there. I remember it myself. Kids just know instinctively how to press those buttons. And, making fun of your little brother would naturally be a hot spot for Molly.

Yesterday, one of her little friends or classmates called Shea a "retard". She was being baited. Who knows what the surrounding conversation and/or antics were like. Perhaps Molly was spinning pretty fast and needed to be taken down a notch or two. It probably doesn't matter that much. The fact is that she trembled with rage at the obvious cruelty. She struck out and hit the girl with her coat. Well, I expect they got the reaction that they were seeking; anger. Sometimes Molly seems unflappable and I expect they were just trying to get a rise. Well, they did.

We talked it all though last night, of course. Shea has a speech delay and is learning to talk. There is no evidence of retardation at this time. Molly knows this but it doesn't really matter. Perhaps they weren't factually correct but Shea is "special" and someone was making fun of him for something he or we have no control over.

Fierce loyalties will always create a chink in our armor. People instinctively know this, even children. But, would I have it any other way?

I remember when I was quite small, 1st grade or so, my father told me to always stick up for my little brother. I must've listened or maybe it's hardwired because one day I caught wind of him being picked on by bigger boys on the playground. I charged right out there to protect my little brother (a kindergartner) and got into a scuffle and popped the boy in the nose.

Blood, the principals office; the whole 9 yards. I remember it vividly, the principal asking why I hit the boy. "Because my dad told me to protect my little brother." I replied and can still see the bemused expression on the adult's face. I didn't really get in trouble that day. I knew I was justified.

This is a tough one and it will come up again. It did bring up a good conversation about exclusion and how the special kids are treated at school. She's a sensitive little thing and picked right up on the injustice, the discrimination.

The world can be an ugly place, baby. Let's take that bruise and turn it into a shield.

What teachers make

Definitely beautiful.

Power to the bystanders

I just got back from another one of those "Conversations on Bullying" that was sponsored by the local Unitarian Church. It was really interesting. Sad and scary but very interesting.

I learned something I did not know today; maybe it is intuitive or maybe not. Apparently, the most profound effect on changing the bullying dynamic is for the bystanders to stand up and say something against it at the time.

Silence is acquiescence. Ignoring is reinforcing.

"That is not ok!" said at the right time can change everything. It has more power than parents and teachers getting involved. More powerful than treating the individual bully and victim.

The speaker today is a clinical psychologist who specializes on children's socialization. She was instrumental in developing the Second Step bullying education program for schools. Come to find out the Second Step is the program that is used in our local school and many school district in the US and the UK.

Although evidence of the program was everywhere in the early grades, I am not seeing it being used in the 4th & 5th grades.

I have a real problem with this. The younger kids definitely need this but the older kids do too. I think that with younger children, the teachers see the bullying more and they can address it. But, with the older kids, they are more secretive and sophisticated. They are smart enough to know not to do it in front of a teacher or any adult.

Most schools don't even think they have a problem because it flys under the radar.

I am going to try and push for the "Conversation on Bullying" to be brought to our elementary school specifically because we are seeing more and more of it this year in the older grades. Now, would be an excellent time to refresh or remind parents, teachers and kids alike just how damaging bullying can be and it is NOT ok.

Who teaches empathy?

That article really got me thinking. Who is responsible to teach children empathy, compassion and respect for others?

I would immediately say; of course, it is the parent's responsibility. And, in a perfect world each and every parent would take this responsibility very seriously indeed. But how do we as a society make sure it is being done? Who enforces it? The victims? The bystanders? The penal system? There in lies the tricky situation for the public schools.

If the lessons aren't being taught at home then it ends up being the "village's" responsibility. Ignoring it just has too much cost for our society.

I am sure every teacher out there would much rather focus all their time on curriculum and teaching. Time is short and they are already forced to spend way too much time on prepping for standardized tests. And, yes, unfortunately they are also expected to teach children empathy and mutual respect as well.

In a nut shell, I think that is where the bullying issue comes in. As they say, "Hurt people hurt people".

I do think that if a child comes into the school setting and is bullying other kids, the school needs to nip it in the bud. The victims need help obviously but the bully does too. And, no, "stickup for yourself" is not help.There needs to be strong, appropriate, very serious consequences presented, promoted and understood. The parents need to be brought into the discussion. Little kids need to learn from day one appropriate ways of treating others. Set the rules early and enforce them. In extreme cases, the child should be expelled. I guarantee those parents will sit up and take notice if their kid doesn't have a place to go each day. The bully needs to be taken out of the mix and given help before it is too late. If we don't do this we are condoning it, we are reinforcing it, we are enabling it.

I feel for public school administrators. They are in a tight spot on this one. But, by not being clear and consistent about a bullying policy it will end up biting them, one way or the other. And, for the Tukwila School District we can see just how hard they are being bitten.

Tukwila School District sued; did not protect autistic boy from bullies

My god.

I guess a few school districts will need to be sued for administrators to take protecting kids from bullies seriously.

From the Seattle Times,

"A discrimination suit has been filed on behalf of an autistic former student in the Tukwila School District, alleging district officials failed to protect him from bullying and tried to declare him a truant when his parents pulled him from classes.

The suit, filed Monday in King County Superior Court, contends the man was the victim of almost daily harassment when he was in the sixth and seventh grades by several boys at Showalter Middle School and now suffers from Anxiety Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The boys beat up J.B.M., shoved and pushed him, stole his books, slapped, punched and kicked him, hit him on the head with books, called him disparaging names, spit on him and poured liquids on him, the 17-page complaint alleges.

School officials told J.B.M. to stick up for himself and no action was taken against "the bullies," according to the suit.

Officials then took a recess away from J.B.M. when he yelled at other students and used "inappropriate language," the suit alleges.

They also ignored warnings from an education specialist and district psychologist that J.B.M. was the victim of bullying and that the problem needed to be addressed, the suit says.

At one point, the suit alleges, J.B.M. was told not to contact his mother at school."

Conversation on Bullying

I was invited to attend a "Conversation on Bullying" yesterday at the Unitarian Meeting Hall here on the island. They were hosting a speaker, Pam Dell Fitzgerald, UW professor, clinical psychologist and island resident who was to present her well received series, "Positive Parenting".

How timely! I had never been to a Unitarian function before being prone to extra laziness on Sunday mornings but it was really nice gathering.

First, poor Pam had an unforeseen emergency and couldn't make it until basically the end. But, she was good enough to chat off-line with some parents and promise a rain check in January.

Instead of hearing from Pam, what we did get to do is have a wide, multi-generational discussion on bullying and parenting in general. I found it particularly touching to hear what folks in their 70's and 80's thought about the "kids these days". It was very insightful to hear some of the stories and suggestions but I mostly found that the grandparents were indeed just as confounded on how to help with bullying as they were when they were parents.

It is a big topic and we managed to whip through an hour and a half very quickly. I could tell there were some folks who had heard a lot of these stories before but to me it was novel. I should note that my parents are quite young and I did not really have a connection with either set of grandparents when young or as an adult so I found the stories very sweet and endearing.

One young parent brought up the fact that in her previous school district the bullying policy was literally in every classroom. That no one had any questions about what it was and if something went down the administration was on it quickly. That is not what is happening here.

The theory of "islandism" was brought up where everyone thinks everything is so darn wonderful and perfect that no one voices the ugly stuff. That folks then just say, "Oh that's just kids being kids."

It is true that the Bullying Policy should be easier to find and more readily available. I looked all through the school district website last week but never could find it. I had to e-mail a counselor who forwarded my request to the administration. Some one did call me personally which I thought was good but the policy should be easy not hard to find. She directed me to the Student Handbook where the bullying policy was buried at about page 20. Sigh....

See what I mean? The policy is only as good as the awareness and enforcement. I think I will push the school district to host a meeting for parents, teachers and staff with Pam next Spring. Judging by what the other parents had to say, the bullying issue is up front and center on many people's minds.

More updates to come on my latest windmill tilting.

Bullying or life among the jerks

This is a tough one and in our PC culture, sort of an uncomfortable discussion.

I am not yet dealing with this issue with Shea but it sure is popping up for my 5th grader. These days its all the rage for schools to have "Bullying Policies". Which is good, I guess, but doesn't really matter unless the policy is enforced.

No one likes their kid to be on the receiving end of bullying. That's for sure but what does it feel like for your kid to be a bully? I have been thinking about that a lot these days. What would I do if my kid was the one that was leading the "mean" girl pack? Honestly, I would be horrified.

I was on the receiving end of plenty of bullying back in the pre-PC days when I was a kid. No warm and fuzzy "Bullying Policies" back then; we were on our own. I remember an older girl putting gum in my hair on the bus ride home then mocking me in front of everyone the next day when I had cut a big chunk of my hair out to get rid of it. Oh ya, you don't forget that. There was plenty more through the years and I expect we all have these awful little tales to tell.

How do we survive it? How do we shake it off? How do we rise above it? I remember, vividly, my mother saying, "It's them, honey, not you." and "It's their loss." I found solace with the repetition and find myself saying the same thing to Molly now. After all, it's all character building, right?

Is my kid a bully? I think we all need to periodically ask ourselves this question and try to take an objective look. I know it's hard to be objective about our kids but I doubt if we are doing them any favors by ignoring an uncomfortable truth.

What about my kid's friends? Are any of them bullys? I think there is definitely a "Lord of the flies" mentality among our kids. They know who is the bully and who insists on being Alpha at all costs. It would make sense that some would consciously decide to become part of the pack, the posse, the mob. Is it understandable that some kids would rather side with the bully rather than be targeted themselves? Heck yes, it's understandable. Dreadful and dangerous but, yes, understandable.

Bringing it back to Shea; one of my big worries is bullying and teasing; about how he talks or doesn't talk, about still wearing diapers, about being different. Because let's be honest, childhood is all about normalcy, especially for special kids. Sure, to us, the parents, all our children are wonderful, special gifts. But, to them its survival mode.

Thankfully, I have a couple more years before it starts in earnest for Shea. By that time, I will have hopefully made it through with Molly.