Capitol Bond: new high school

Speaking of tight budgets, guess what we are trying to do in our little community? You got it, put a big Capitol Bond on the ballot for a new high school next spring.

I can't imagine a worse time to try something like this with this economic recession and all. But, what are we going to do?

Our high school is in deplorable shape. There are myriad problems including blatant code violations all over the place and we have been slapping band-aids on it for some 20 years. It's understandable. No one wants to pull the 79 Million dollar trigger. Ouch. Well, that is what it costs these days.

Apparently, at the school board meeting last night a veritable broo-haha went down. 3 out of 5 school board member refused to vote on moving forward with a proposal vote. They wanted to table the bond proposal until the next meeting. Yet more feet dragging, you know, how we got into this problem in the first place. I heard all this 2nd hand but I guess the packed house audience stood up and started yelling at the 3 "feet dragging" board members and furiously stomped out of there. Tears were shed, emotional raving, and local newspaper person scuttling and getting statements.

Wow! High drama on little old Vashon. Needless to say, lots of feathers are ruffled. I don't really care. I know they will have to put the bond measure on the ballot eventually and I know I will support it. Yea it hurts. Yea it is a horrible time to have to do it. But, I will support it because I believe in real investment in our kids education and upgraded buildings and classrooms and technologies are all part of that.

So there.

Conversation on Bullying

I was invited to attend a "Conversation on Bullying" yesterday at the Unitarian Meeting Hall here on the island. They were hosting a speaker, Pam Dell Fitzgerald, UW professor, clinical psychologist and island resident who was to present her well received series, "Positive Parenting".

How timely! I had never been to a Unitarian function before being prone to extra laziness on Sunday mornings but it was really nice gathering.

First, poor Pam had an unforeseen emergency and couldn't make it until basically the end. But, she was good enough to chat off-line with some parents and promise a rain check in January.

Instead of hearing from Pam, what we did get to do is have a wide, multi-generational discussion on bullying and parenting in general. I found it particularly touching to hear what folks in their 70's and 80's thought about the "kids these days". It was very insightful to hear some of the stories and suggestions but I mostly found that the grandparents were indeed just as confounded on how to help with bullying as they were when they were parents.

It is a big topic and we managed to whip through an hour and a half very quickly. I could tell there were some folks who had heard a lot of these stories before but to me it was novel. I should note that my parents are quite young and I did not really have a connection with either set of grandparents when young or as an adult so I found the stories very sweet and endearing.

One young parent brought up the fact that in her previous school district the bullying policy was literally in every classroom. That no one had any questions about what it was and if something went down the administration was on it quickly. That is not what is happening here.

The theory of "islandism" was brought up where everyone thinks everything is so darn wonderful and perfect that no one voices the ugly stuff. That folks then just say, "Oh that's just kids being kids."

It is true that the Bullying Policy should be easier to find and more readily available. I looked all through the school district website last week but never could find it. I had to e-mail a counselor who forwarded my request to the administration. Some one did call me personally which I thought was good but the policy should be easy not hard to find. She directed me to the Student Handbook where the bullying policy was buried at about page 20. Sigh....

See what I mean? The policy is only as good as the awareness and enforcement. I think I will push the school district to host a meeting for parents, teachers and staff with Pam next Spring. Judging by what the other parents had to say, the bullying issue is up front and center on many people's minds.

More updates to come on my latest windmill tilting.

Parental involvement: is there such a thing as too much?

One of the reasons we moved to this island was the school district. It was rumored to be excellent and it really is. There are many reasons for this but I think mainly it has to do with parental involvement.

I don't mean just the standard PTSA stuff which I have to say can be a bit limited in scope, personalities and function. But, instead I mean individual parental involvement like volunteering to help in the classroom, supporting a teacher with whatever they need, going with the class on a field trip or bringing a batch or two of muffins for a class party. There is a lot of that here and, frankly, the bar is set pretty high and it can be intimidating at first.

I try to help out in Molly's math class every week and last week the teacher was scurrying around looking for stuff for me to do. I assured him that I was here really to watch the kids. Oh, I would be happy to make copies, correct quizzes, whatever he needed. but I was really there to see the social dynamics up close and personal. He seemed relieved and just left me to settle in to watch the lesson and the dynamics unfold.

Taking note of the social dynamics is a big part of being involved. Knowing who your kid is talking about during particularly rocky or happy points throughout the year always makes me feel a little closer to my kid's experience and therefore she includes me more. Right now in 5th grade, I expect that isn't particularly novel but as we move through adolescence I will be glad I knew more than just the bare minimum about the kids that she sees everyday.

On the cusp of middle school, I hear from some parents that friendships become more important during those years. That success and happiness in middle school depends on the friends or "groups" the kid has and identifies with. Looking back at my own experience, I expect that could be true. I know one parent who is extremely focused on popularity; wanting her kids to be popular, wanting them to hang out with the popular kids and strangely over-focused on who those popular kids are. Honestly, I am left scratching my head. Is this a good example of arrested development? Or perhaps over-compensating for feelings of inadequacy in herself? Imagine being able to point out the most popular girl in your kid's grade!

I would sure hope after all these years, we could all agree that popularity in school doesn't necessarily have much to do with how life turns out. In fact, I would think that being a star in middle or high school can deter the personal growth needed to be successful after high school. I don't know, I suppose there are plenty of theories but I can honestly say that I couldn't care less if my kid is considered a "popular" kid or not because I realize how fleeting, shallow and not very representative those terms can be. Sure, I want them to be happy and have good friends especially during those critical years but to be popular at all costs? Hardly.

Let's keep our feet on the ground, our natural parental pride in bounds and keep our eyes on the prize; a happy healthy productive life for our kids.

Bullying or life among the jerks

This is a tough one and in our PC culture, sort of an uncomfortable discussion.

I am not yet dealing with this issue with Shea but it sure is popping up for my 5th grader. These days its all the rage for schools to have "Bullying Policies". Which is good, I guess, but doesn't really matter unless the policy is enforced.

No one likes their kid to be on the receiving end of bullying. That's for sure but what does it feel like for your kid to be a bully? I have been thinking about that a lot these days. What would I do if my kid was the one that was leading the "mean" girl pack? Honestly, I would be horrified.

I was on the receiving end of plenty of bullying back in the pre-PC days when I was a kid. No warm and fuzzy "Bullying Policies" back then; we were on our own. I remember an older girl putting gum in my hair on the bus ride home then mocking me in front of everyone the next day when I had cut a big chunk of my hair out to get rid of it. Oh ya, you don't forget that. There was plenty more through the years and I expect we all have these awful little tales to tell.

How do we survive it? How do we shake it off? How do we rise above it? I remember, vividly, my mother saying, "It's them, honey, not you." and "It's their loss." I found solace with the repetition and find myself saying the same thing to Molly now. After all, it's all character building, right?

Is my kid a bully? I think we all need to periodically ask ourselves this question and try to take an objective look. I know it's hard to be objective about our kids but I doubt if we are doing them any favors by ignoring an uncomfortable truth.

What about my kid's friends? Are any of them bullys? I think there is definitely a "Lord of the flies" mentality among our kids. They know who is the bully and who insists on being Alpha at all costs. It would make sense that some would consciously decide to become part of the pack, the posse, the mob. Is it understandable that some kids would rather side with the bully rather than be targeted themselves? Heck yes, it's understandable. Dreadful and dangerous but, yes, understandable.

Bringing it back to Shea; one of my big worries is bullying and teasing; about how he talks or doesn't talk, about still wearing diapers, about being different. Because let's be honest, childhood is all about normalcy, especially for special kids. Sure, to us, the parents, all our children are wonderful, special gifts. But, to them its survival mode.

Thankfully, I have a couple more years before it starts in earnest for Shea. By that time, I will have hopefully made it through with Molly.

Vashon sweet Vashon

I have mentioned my nice little island in the Pacific Northwest but haven't really said much specific about it.

I think Vashon Island is special enough to get a post all it's own.

Located 15 minutes by ferry south of Seattle, WA and 10 minutes north of Tacoma gives it a unique rural yet next to the city sort of feel. There is no bridge so we are completely dependent on the ferry system.

It is about the size of Manhattan island or 20 miles north to south and 5 miles east to west. There are 11,000 people who live here year round while summer swells the population to 15,000. About 5,000 commute off island to work each day.

There is a little town proper with one 4 way stop, shops, restaurants and a big wonderful grocery store. There is a little old fashioned movie theater. There is a clinic that is affiliated with Highline Medical Center and plenty of other doctor's including alternative practices. There a many artists, musicians and writers who live here. And, many folks who just support the arts or live artfully.

There is a public school district that offers one high school (9-12), one middle school (6-8) and one elementary school. There is a well attended private school (4 - 8) and plenty of pre-schools, day cares and little private primary schools.

Vashon is a kid friendly place. I consider it a nesting place. In fact, it was after Molly was born when we lived in West Seattle that we really started to think about and looking for property on Vashon Island. I guess it was something about all those sidewalks and Molly's sweet little knees. I wanted to see her run across an expanse of grass.

Jake being from the East Coast originally, took one look at a rural island smack dab in the middle of Seattle and Tacoma and said, "Gold mine! Sign me up!"

We actively looked for 2 years then found our little piece of paradise; a 5 acre 1908 fixer upper farm house. Oh boy, and was it a fixer upper! Complete with gaping hole in the roof with a not very decorative blue tarp. Well, that was 8 years ago and that story may have to be another post.

The first thing I noticed when I moved to the island was the air; it smelled different, like it had more oxygen in it due to all the trees. My mantra at the time was , "More trees than cars!"

I have gotten used to the air but I am still surprised and charmed by our bucolic little island. It is indeed a wonderful place to raise kids. It reminds me of something Tasha Tudor, acclaimed artist, naturalist, simple living proponent, "Give your children good and happy memories of their childhood."

That is exactly what we are hoping we're doing.

So, come visit Vashon. It's a magic place.

School: when it isn't going well, Part 2

Communication is obviously the key to any relationship. So, when my non-verbal kid started school, one of my biggest worries was he wasn't going to be able to tell me if he didn't like it. Or if he had a problem with a teacher or another kid. I still worry about stuff like that but because Shea is in a Developmental Preschool you would think that the teacher would be sensitive to that issue.

Lesson learned; even though it should be true doesn't mean that it always ends up that way.

I found out Shea was having some problems in school by accident. His teacher described his usual classroom behavior as: anxious, stressed, threatening, angry and that he was "attacking" other students. These characteristics were described in a multiple choice questionnaire that the UW CHDD wanted his teacher to fill out before our full neuro-developmental screen last Spring.

When I got it back from the teacher, I was stunned. There was no explanation attached, no note saying please call if I had any questions, etc. It just seemed odd. I barely recognized my kid from her description.

I sort of sat on it for a while but grew more and more upset and concerned. I gave copies to our private specialists which is when my head popped off my body! Both, OT and Speech Pathologist were equally concerned with the behaviors described and asked for more detail. The UW CHDD was surprised and quizzical about the teacher's questionnaire because it didn't seem to jive with what they were seeing from Shea either.

I figured it was time to ask the teacher directly but I always wonder about the best way to approach a teacher on delicate issues. In writing? So that you can edit, re-edit and make sure you do not offend plus document the issue all in one fell swoop? Or in person, face to face? Over the phone? What really is the best way to do it? I still don't know.

In this case, I called the teacher and asked her point blank. I didn't go very well. She was defensive and dismissive. I suggested it was time to have the IEP review, she suggested bringing in administration staff. Oh boy! This sure mushroomed fast.

So much of life is posturing, this situation was no different. I remember going to the meeting with Jake and there were 6 or 7 to our 2. It would be pretty normal to feel intimidated or out numbered in a situation like that. Oh, and it was plenty uncomfortable but I have a trick to share. Bring a tape recorder. It doesn't really even have to work although if things get really contentious, I bet you would be glad to have the conversation documented. At the beginning of the meeting, quietly whip out the recorder, hit play and set it down in the middle of the meeting table and watch the mood change.

Another good strategy is to go to the meeting with suggestions, so you aren't just complaining but offering solutions too. My suggestions were; I wanted a different teacher for Shea the next year and I wanted consistent communication from his current teacher for the remaining of the year. I suggested that I would put a spiral notebook in his backpack and if any of this "angry, threatening" behavior occurred they were to document the situation in context so that I could reinforce appropriate behavior at home. The administration did not like me dictating his placement but they made sure it happened.

And, what ever happened to all that weird, scary behavior that I had never seen before? The teacher never mentioned or documented any additional occurrences. Am I to guess it sort of just "went away"? Good question.

Underneath is all, I think the teacher and Shea just didn't click. Maybe he was a lot more work than the other kids or they didn't particularly like each other. I am realistic. This will happen. But, any teacher still needs to hold to appropriate standards and practices. If they don't, it your right and responsibility as the parent to call them on it.

Call it parental advocacy. Call it squeaky wheel. Call it what you want but no one else will do it for your kid. After all, you are the expert on your child, sometimes you have to be aggressive.

School: when it isn't going well, part 1

Even in the best school district or the school in the world sometimes it just doesn't go very well for your kid.

I remember learning about an idea called "disequilibrium" in relation to child development. The theory being that approximately ever 6 month the kid just naturally goes "bonkers"; acts out, fights back, regresses, pushes buttons, or basically causes the parents untold amounts of worry and stress. Somehow they sort of grow out of it or as they say work through "a phase" and then for 6 months all is dandy. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I think disequilibrium may have something to do with school not working very well. But, there are also a heck of a lot of factors.

Special Education is probably even more susceptible to the up and downs, highs and lows. It could be as simple as disequilibrium or the teacher and the kid don't click. Or the teacher and parent not clicking. It could be unrealistic expectations for student, teacher or parent. Usually no one is really at fault but it may not be going well, none the less. So, what do you do?

First, I think it is really important to state for the record, YOU are the expert on your child. The teacher may be an expert in Early Childhood Development or whatever but you are the expert on your own child. That is valid. Now that doesn't mean you can run ruffshod all over the teachers and staff and make their lives miserable. A parent does need to have realistic expectations for what their public school can do for their child. Notice I say "public school"? Private school is a whole different kettle of fish.

We had a tough year last year and it all finally boiled down to the wrong placement for Shea. He was given a teacher that was much too structured for him, not very maternal and pretty hands off when actually connecting with her class.

It all started badly when I noticed Shea's class was starting before the "special bus" had even arrived. Our developmental preschool is blended with special and typically developing peers mixed together. So, when the special kids arrived they had no time to transition into the classroom setting yet the teacher insisted on starting at exactly 9:05. Yes, there were melt downs a plenty. Not to mention the fact that the typical kids are sitting there like "good little children" while the "special" kids were not so much.

Now, I only knew this because I rode the special bus with Shea for a while because he was nervous and not ready to go on the bus by himself. No transition time for a 3 year old was a big problem for us. I talked with the teacher, didn't get very far but I got around this problem by skipping the "special bus" and dropping Shea off myself a little early with the typical kids so he could have time to transition.

I consider this particular situation a victory because I was able to go around the problem and make sure my kid got what he needed. Sometimes it's just not so simple.

I guess when it comes to public school it means picking your battles. If you are going to go to the mat on an issue it better be important because you aren't going to have the emotional or physical energy to fight each one. Weigh it in your mind, think on it, don't do anything rash. Can you get around the problem? Can you solve it by yourself? Can you shed some light from the outside? Is there someone you can ask for help on the inside?

Many families do decide to pull their specials kids from public school. I think it's a shame. But, you make the decision kid by kid and decide what is going to be the best for them. Often these are gut wrenching choices.

As our bad school year went on, I couldn't help but chat amongst friends and acquaintances. I found out pretty darn quick that my concerns with the teacher were not isolated or even unique. In fact, I started to run into families who specifically pulled their kids from the public school system because of this teach. Sigh.... That isn't good news to hear anywhere. In a small town it is even worse.

So, what do you do? I did a lot of fretting, spinning my wheels, yabbering at my GGF. (Good Girl Friends) Frankly, I didn't know what to do. I kept close watch on my non-verbal 3 year old kid wishing he could tell me how he liked school or not. But, he couldn't and didn't. I found out that he was having problems in class not from the teacher but from a questionnaire.

The "special" bus

I have a love/hate relationship with the "special" bus.

On one hand, I think that fact that the school district will literally pick your kid up at your doorstep and drop them off from school is a wonderful thing. I absolutely love our bus drivers! And, I make sure to give them particularly fabulous cookie assortments at Christmas time and continually thank them profusely.

Although, we live so close to the school that it really is more about how much Shea loves to ride the bus rather than needing a ride to school. But, I do think about other folks, far flung in the community who really must need and appreciate the "special" bus. There might be kids who wouldn't necessarily participate in the Developmental Preschool if the transportation wasn't part of the equation.

For us, the buses are the smaller van sized versions. All the seats have either seat belts or harnesses and there is usually room for wheel chairs. All the kids on the bus are "special" to some extent and, for us, there is actually a pretty good little social dynamic going on.

Ok. That's all the good stuff and there is probably more I am overlooking right now.

But, there is something very distancing about sending your kid off on the bus. You don't get to see how they act as they walk into the classroom. You don't get to see the social dynamic with the other kids. You don't get to see how they interact with the teacher or the helpers. Basically, you are shut out.

I never felt really welcome to volunteer in the preschool classes and I can understand. Most of the kids are dealing with separation anxiety and having a parent hover is only going to make it worse.

I just always felt like I needed to hyper vigilant due to the fact that Shea was non-verbal and couldn't really tell me about his school day. Ok, I have been known to be overprotective at times. I admit it.

Also, "special" parents don't get to know each other because they do not collide picking up or dropping off their kids like the rest of the parents. This has to add to that feeling of isolation. The "special" bus is indeed special but a double edged sword. I feel a heck of a lot more unconnected with Shea's class this year because we do the "special" bus both pick up and drop off.

I have been lucky up to now and have been able to volunteer in Molly's classroom for an hour or so one day a week each year since Kindergarten. I hope that I will be able to do that again with Shea. I guess a lot of it depends on how "mainstream" we can go.

Special Education: infiltrating the system

Special Education is always a touchy subject for the school district due to the ever shrinking funding pie. Frankly, it is a huge drain on the budget. This puts the district in a perpetual "defensive crouch". Anytime a parent is searching for more help, the school district must see dollar signs flying out the window. Alas, this is the result of an unfunded mandate.

IDEA is our nation's special education law. IDEA stands for Individuals with Disabilities Education Act.

"The IDEA was originally enacted by Congress in 1975 to make sure that children with disabilities had the opportunity to receive a free appropriate public education, just like other children. The law has been revised many times over the years."

As a parent of a special needs child, it is your responsibility to be an advocate. Read up, inform yourself about what your child needs, learn the vocabulary and fight, fight, fight. But, I have found that being armed with knowledge may not be enough unless you are a lawyer willing to file suit against the school district. As a tax payer and a community member, the last thing I want to do is strangle the public education budget any more with a lawsuit. Although, in some cases that may be the only way to effect change.

But in this post, I want to focus on a more insidious strategy; infiltration. Most school districts have Special Education Committees or advisory groups. If not; they should. Large districts probably do have some sort of group just because of the volatile nature of Special Ed. Parents should be able to access and approach these groups for information, updates and to express specific concerns. Small districts may not have a group yet for no other reason than it hasn't been pulled together yet. Somebody needs to push for it, maybe that is you?

That is what I am dealing with here on my little island. Over the years, a lot of animosity has grown concerning the issue. Many frustrated parents have just pulled their kids from public school or have moved out of district. Some are threatening to sue. The school district has finally realized that open communication and dialog is a lot better than paying for and dealing with lawyers.

Welcome; the brand new Special Education Standing Committee represented by staff, specialists and parents. Meetings, of course, are in the evenings on a monthly basis. It is still being determined what this group will actually do but the fact that it has been started is a big step forward. I have been asked to be on this committee and the first meeting was last week and I learned something interesting. There are approximately 1,600 students spread out over our 3 schools. Just a tad over 10% have IEPs and are getting services. I guess this is about normal. In fact, if the IEP population goes higher than 12.9%, the state does not reimburse the cost because they feel the district is over-identifying! I expect I will learn a lot being part of this group and will share details on my blog as it comes.

But, let me conclude by talking a little about "squeaky wheels get the grease." No where is this more true than Special Ed. and working with your public school on your child's behalf. I realize we have all been taught manners and politeness and those should not go away. But, assertiveness, laser beam focus and exhaustive repetition are the weapons that the special parent will need and find useful. I am not advocating being an jerk, in fact, please don't be a jerk. Don't give them any reason not to deal with you. Incivility or "jerkiness" could be seen as a valid reason to not deal with you and your child will suffer because of it. Your job as a special parent is to push and push and push some more for the appropriate services for your child. If you keep at it, they can't ignore you. If you squeak, you will get the grease.

And, sometimes that grease could come in the form of being asked to populate a Special Ed. advisory committee. Consider it a battle won in a long war.

School Conferences

I met with Shea's teacher this week for school conferences. Even though he is in the Developmental Preschool, they still do conferences just like the upper grades. I was relieved to see it wasn't a full blown, IEP discussin' meeting. Just a nice little conference about how he is doing so far this year.

First the teacher did a little bit of marveling at how much more focused, social and talkative Shea is this year. It's true; he is really getting to be a big boy and now knows what is really expected of him at school. But, again, the changes since we started the gluten, egg, soy free diet have been profound.

She did say that his fine motor skills are still lagging and would like to have the school Occupational Therapist run the Peabody test again which measures development motor skills.

He is 4 1/2 and although he knows how to spell his name he can't or won't write it. If we help, he will do it. If we make dot, dot, dot letters, he will trace over them himself. He is also having a hard time cutting out shapes with scissors.

He was given the Peabody when he was 3 and being evaluated for his IEP. He just missed getting OT services by a very small amount. If they retest now, he may be able to qualify for OT services at school.

Even though Shea sees his private OT every week, so much of being a special needs parent is fighting for more services for your kid. Whether your fighting the school district to get services or fighting the insurance company to cover services, "special" parents learn to fight pretty darn quick.

In fact, one excellent example of the passion, focus and energy of "special" parents is the film documentary, Beautiful Son. Parent filmmakers tell the story of their son Beau who is diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum. A very touching and indeed a beautiful film, I caught on my local PBS station. Check out the website for a trailer and more information.

Warning: hanky alert!

Animal School

As parents we are constantly reminded of the amazing differences and uniqueness of our children. All children. One of the most beautiful, haunting and profound depictions of this is a little movie called Animal School.



This is the You Tube version but feel free to clink on "Animal School" in this post and it will take you to the high quality original at the Raising Small Souls website.

Quiz after the movie:

1. How many hankies?

2. What animal were you when you were in school?

3. Do you recognize your kids in the animal school?

Place your answers in the comments. : - )