Pushing the oldest kid

What is it about the oldest child? The first born. They seem to share these stereotypical characteristics; wanting to please, good in school or sports, responsible, etc. Dare I generalize?

Is it just the kids? Maybe but probably not. I have a theory. I think it is the parents and how hard we push our first offspring.

I have watched hovering but loving parents push a violin on a 3 year old who could barely talk. Sure, they were opening up opportunities for their child. But, come on! I have seen kids buckle into stressed out tears at performances while the parents stand pinched lipped nearby.

I have seen parents push their oldest so hard at sports that it is embarrassing to see them at the games. You know these parents; the ones who don't act like it is a game. The ones yelling the loudest, talking trash about the other team. The kids who cry when they lose and are inconsolable. Maybe because they know there will be a long discussion about how they could play better next time or what they did wrong on the way home? I am not talking about high school kids, I am talking little elementary school kids.

We know of extremely talented high school athletes that won't play their sport anymore. They are burned out. They were pushed too hard. Played to competitively, too early. It wasn't fun anymore and they rebelled. There goes that athletic scholarship that mom and dad had been banking on.

And, there is plenty of pushing academically too. I remember a whole subsection of parents being mad at the school because Kindergarten wasn't rigorous enough. How rigorous should Kindergarten be?

And, at the Math is Cool competition, kids that didn't do well shed real tears too. Both parents and kids were crushed. Not a happy ride home after that.

One 5 year old we know is skipping over Kindergarten and doing a unprecidented 1st grade/Kindergarten. Hm. Not sure how that works. Pushing your kid from preschool to first grade. First child? You bet. Who is that for really? Where does parental ego stop and what is best for the kid begin? How will that kid like being the shortest, youngest kid in his grade when he is in, say, 5th grade? Was pushing him to 1st grade when he was 5 worth it? Only time will tell.

I told Molly about this kid. She asked if I think I pushed her too hard. I suppose I did to some degree. I suppose we can't help it. It is only when the next one comes along that you realize how hard you pushed. I asked her if she thought I pushed her too hard. She said no but I would like to ask her again when she is 15, 20, 25 or 30.

I told her I wondered about the wisdom of even pushing the violin on a 5 year old. She reminded me that she begged us for 2 years to take lessons. If she hadn't we probably would not have started her. Why? Because violin is the hardest instrument to learn to play and I didn't want to set her up for failure. I tried to talk her into piano!

See? That is the other side of this same coin. We want our first to fly high! For their glory and our own. The next kid? Maybe we realize by then, that they are who they are. With encouragement they will make their own leaps. That pushing too much is, well, too much. It can backfire and the guilt is all encompassing.

Jake has a story about his dad. When he was born, his dad asked the oldest son, 12 year old Danny, what he should do different with the new baby boy. He said, "Don't push so hard, Dad." Ouch.

We are all trying the best we can.

Parental involvement: is there such a thing as too much?

One of the reasons we moved to this island was the school district. It was rumored to be excellent and it really is. There are many reasons for this but I think mainly it has to do with parental involvement.

I don't mean just the standard PTSA stuff which I have to say can be a bit limited in scope, personalities and function. But, instead I mean individual parental involvement like volunteering to help in the classroom, supporting a teacher with whatever they need, going with the class on a field trip or bringing a batch or two of muffins for a class party. There is a lot of that here and, frankly, the bar is set pretty high and it can be intimidating at first.

I try to help out in Molly's math class every week and last week the teacher was scurrying around looking for stuff for me to do. I assured him that I was here really to watch the kids. Oh, I would be happy to make copies, correct quizzes, whatever he needed. but I was really there to see the social dynamics up close and personal. He seemed relieved and just left me to settle in to watch the lesson and the dynamics unfold.

Taking note of the social dynamics is a big part of being involved. Knowing who your kid is talking about during particularly rocky or happy points throughout the year always makes me feel a little closer to my kid's experience and therefore she includes me more. Right now in 5th grade, I expect that isn't particularly novel but as we move through adolescence I will be glad I knew more than just the bare minimum about the kids that she sees everyday.

On the cusp of middle school, I hear from some parents that friendships become more important during those years. That success and happiness in middle school depends on the friends or "groups" the kid has and identifies with. Looking back at my own experience, I expect that could be true. I know one parent who is extremely focused on popularity; wanting her kids to be popular, wanting them to hang out with the popular kids and strangely over-focused on who those popular kids are. Honestly, I am left scratching my head. Is this a good example of arrested development? Or perhaps over-compensating for feelings of inadequacy in herself? Imagine being able to point out the most popular girl in your kid's grade!

I would sure hope after all these years, we could all agree that popularity in school doesn't necessarily have much to do with how life turns out. In fact, I would think that being a star in middle or high school can deter the personal growth needed to be successful after high school. I don't know, I suppose there are plenty of theories but I can honestly say that I couldn't care less if my kid is considered a "popular" kid or not because I realize how fleeting, shallow and not very representative those terms can be. Sure, I want them to be happy and have good friends especially during those critical years but to be popular at all costs? Hardly.

Let's keep our feet on the ground, our natural parental pride in bounds and keep our eyes on the prize; a happy healthy productive life for our kids.