Dancing through that social scene

Today is the first school dance for a certain brand new middle school-er in my family.

Titled "The Welcome back to school" dance, it is directly after school and won't just have dancing.

Carnival games, prizes and, of course, plenty of sugar laden treats will keep kids busy whether they dance or not.

One of the neighbor girls said, "Everyone is asking someone to go to the dance!"

Really? Actually not everyone because she and my new middle school-er did not. But apparently some people did.

The results? Lots of declines but thank you very much. Ah...just like life.

The preferred mode is to meet up with a few friends and brave the social scene together without the added stress of an arranged "date" at 11 or 12.

Holy crap!

Jake said this morning, "This sure does seem like a lot of pressure to put on the kids." Thank you very much. I agree. But at least there are other things to do other than dance.

I remember my 6th grades dances. Light was dim, the girls clustered giggling in their "party clothes", boys visibly uncomfortably, lurking on the extreme other side of the room. Any dancing? No, not much.

Dances really didn't get rockin' until high school or at least 8th grade.

Molly told me at 6:00 PM last night that she volunteered to bring treats to the dance. Yow! Too late to make anything so I called the local bakery to save our bacon.

So, they are selling treats too? Ah ha! I get it. This is just another fund raising opportunity for the school. I get it now.

Let's hope they have fun and not take all this too seriously.

For some, it is a lot of pressure. Wish we didn't have to start them on it so young.

Alas.

UPDATE:

Well, dances are different these days. There was plenty of dancing, not much standing around uncomfortably. The 8th graders planned, organized, decorated and picked the music for the dance. They get to decide what to do with the money raised.

I think most of the 6th graders were a little shocked at how sexually charged the older kid's dancing was. I figured there would be some bumping and grinding. Well, there was LOTS of bumping and grinding from the 8th graders.

Friendship rules

I thought this was a helpful list to bring up as the school year begins!

From Seattle Woman Magazine, Karen West:

1. Think Before You Speak: Is it nice? Is it necessary? Is it true?

2. Lying is NEVER OK!

3. Notice when a friend needs support — good friends don’t only think of themselves!

4. Kindness makes good friendships. ALWAYS BE KIND!

5. Treat others as you want to be treated yourself!

6. ALWAYS INCLUDE EVERYONE — especially at school!

7. When there is a disagreement about what to play — Take Turns and Cooperate! (Rock, Paper, Scissors)

8. Friends don’t get mad at little things — be tolerant!

9. Friends realize that sometimes it’s important to JUST LISTEN! You don’t always have to have the last word.

10. Friends take turns instead of arguing. You don’t have to always be first!

11. Friends don’t tease hurtfully about someone’s size, shape, color, clothes or other traits.

12. Friends are not bossy — they don’t threaten not to be your BFF anymore!

13. Pull people up — DON’T put people down!

14. SECRETS ARE DANGEROUS! They can come between friends and it’s really hard to know who you can trust with them.

15. Don’t Be Selfish!

16. Don’t Brag!

17. Always Include Everybody! Save special play time for play dates or time at home.

18. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to be mad. It’s not OK to be BAD! (Mean or Unkind)

19. If you get into an argument — TALK IT OUT!

20. Be LOYAL to your friends!

Grief and coping: learning to say good bye to the child you did not have

Whether hoped and prayed for or a big old surprise, each child is a miraculous gift. Each one deserves to be wanted and loved, needs stability, kindness and understanding.

Never are we more human or dare I say mammal as when we give birth. Strong instincts takes over as we perhaps blindly rush into the life long adventure of parenting. This is not only true for birth parents; adoptive parents go through all this too and should not be excluded.

We all know how this story is supposed to go. Your darling baby boy or girl, in every way perfect, growing up, changing, developing, eventually not needing you so much, becoming strong, independent, happy people.

When we first realize that our darling bundle is different and has special needs, we are understandably terrified. Mourning that child you did not have is a necessary part of acceptance. Is it the most gut wrenching situation for a parent? Perhaps. It certainly is right up there.

The first realization is the worst and questions abound. “Will he ever be “normal”? Will we be able to mainstream him in school? Will he be teased? Will he have friendsl? Will he ever go to college, get married, have kids?” These thoughts and so many more rocket through your noggin at a dizzying pace.

Despair can set in; suddenly the sky isn’t so blue and the trees are just not as green. There is a pall over your world and family and honestly there is not much to be done. It is hard on marriages and siblings. There is a lot of self blame and guilt. Finances, patience and emotions are stretched. Depression is common.

Grieving for this child you did not have is understandable and probably just needs to happen to run its course. Although, it can last a long time. Each time you see your child next to a typically developing peer, the reality bites you hard. Another wave of grief fogs your stockpiled hope and gathered optimism. Bouncing back from that is a learned thing, only getting easier with time.

I wish I knew how to make it easier. Unfortunately, its just plain old not easy. But, we can try to be pragmatic if not completely optimistic. We can learn to be dedicated despite our fear. We can teach acceptance and tolerance to our families and our communities. We can do what ever we need to do to make our special child’s future as bright as possible and be thankful for what we have.

We can also forgive ourselves and our fate. We can learn from the challenges and revel in these uniquely beautiful children. We can learn to accept them for who they are.

There is a place in the world for each one of us, no matter what.

Pushing the oldest kid

What is it about the oldest child? The first born. They seem to share these stereotypical characteristics; wanting to please, good in school or sports, responsible, etc. Dare I generalize?

Is it just the kids? Maybe but probably not. I have a theory. I think it is the parents and how hard we push our first offspring.

I have watched hovering but loving parents push a violin on a 3 year old who could barely talk. Sure, they were opening up opportunities for their child. But, come on! I have seen kids buckle into stressed out tears at performances while the parents stand pinched lipped nearby.

I have seen parents push their oldest so hard at sports that it is embarrassing to see them at the games. You know these parents; the ones who don't act like it is a game. The ones yelling the loudest, talking trash about the other team. The kids who cry when they lose and are inconsolable. Maybe because they know there will be a long discussion about how they could play better next time or what they did wrong on the way home? I am not talking about high school kids, I am talking little elementary school kids.

We know of extremely talented high school athletes that won't play their sport anymore. They are burned out. They were pushed too hard. Played to competitively, too early. It wasn't fun anymore and they rebelled. There goes that athletic scholarship that mom and dad had been banking on.

And, there is plenty of pushing academically too. I remember a whole subsection of parents being mad at the school because Kindergarten wasn't rigorous enough. How rigorous should Kindergarten be?

And, at the Math is Cool competition, kids that didn't do well shed real tears too. Both parents and kids were crushed. Not a happy ride home after that.

One 5 year old we know is skipping over Kindergarten and doing a unprecidented 1st grade/Kindergarten. Hm. Not sure how that works. Pushing your kid from preschool to first grade. First child? You bet. Who is that for really? Where does parental ego stop and what is best for the kid begin? How will that kid like being the shortest, youngest kid in his grade when he is in, say, 5th grade? Was pushing him to 1st grade when he was 5 worth it? Only time will tell.

I told Molly about this kid. She asked if I think I pushed her too hard. I suppose I did to some degree. I suppose we can't help it. It is only when the next one comes along that you realize how hard you pushed. I asked her if she thought I pushed her too hard. She said no but I would like to ask her again when she is 15, 20, 25 or 30.

I told her I wondered about the wisdom of even pushing the violin on a 5 year old. She reminded me that she begged us for 2 years to take lessons. If she hadn't we probably would not have started her. Why? Because violin is the hardest instrument to learn to play and I didn't want to set her up for failure. I tried to talk her into piano!

See? That is the other side of this same coin. We want our first to fly high! For their glory and our own. The next kid? Maybe we realize by then, that they are who they are. With encouragement they will make their own leaps. That pushing too much is, well, too much. It can backfire and the guilt is all encompassing.

Jake has a story about his dad. When he was born, his dad asked the oldest son, 12 year old Danny, what he should do different with the new baby boy. He said, "Don't push so hard, Dad." Ouch.

We are all trying the best we can.

Stressed out and feeling bleak?

I know I shouldn't just blog when I am feeling good. I shouldn't just write about the happy or poignant stuff in life. Real life isn't like that, we all know. The good, bad and the ugly.

Unfortunately, I don't ever know what to write about when I am down or stressed or crabby or scared. Heaven forbid writing about being stressed, crabby or scared! What a droll read that would be.

But, in all actuality when I am not feeling very chipper is probably the best time for me to write instead of living inside my head and feeling sorry for myself.

What do you do when you are stressed out and feeling bleak?

I escape. Novels are good. Pile them up and whip through them like chocolates. Funny movies? Yes, that's works too.

Last night, I rented Raising Arizona, a late 80's classic by the Cohn brothers with Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter. Molly and I were scrolling through I-tunes movies and we started getting to the old stuff. Suddenly, I remembered Raising Arizona as one of my all time favorite movies on the planet. Was Molly ready for it? I thought so and we gave it a whirl last night.

First, in preparation, I explained several times, that the whole movie was about people making very bad decisions. But, after all that hand wringing, Molly loved it.

We laughed hard and tried to ignore the potty mouth. I felt nostalgic for all those wacky 80's fashions. Did we really wear that stuff?

It was fun and I am tempted to watch it again right now.