The brainy math girl posse

I was trying to describe my middle schoolers group of friends recently. Trying to define where she fit in, if she does at all. All I could come up with was that she hangs with the smart, kooky brainy kids. Kooky in the way that she is shamelessly ok with being clowny and possibly obnoxious at times but definitely unique and an individual. She has found some similarly kooky and irreverent kids and seems to have a solid thing going.

Perhaps we could call it the "odd duck" posse but what a posse to have.

I know there is mean girl stuff happening. Even in our bucolic little small town. Most of these kids have known each other since they were teenie. I know that the odd duck posse is very easy to point and laugh at although I think they are a little afraid to bug them too much. Who knows what they are capable of? Somthing horrendously embarrassing, no doubt.

But the odd duck posse seems to hang together for the joy and fun of it, not for preservation or protection. Thank god! But it is early daze yet.

Today the 6th grade math kids go off to the Math is Cool competition. This will be the 3rd year that my middle schooler has participated. The amazing lack of nerves and bold, raw confidence shows what it feels like to have a couple of these under your belt. She is "fired up and ready to go".

This year there are 2 full classes of advanced placement math. That is like 45 kids out of 110. What is that? Around 40%? When the try outs came down for the competition, my brainy math girl got the highest score in her one class shocking more than a few of the other kids and maybe the teacher too.

Needless to say she got her place on the team. They assemble 4 teams of 4 with 2 alternates. 16 kids out of the 45. I am sure there was disappointment out there. Wish it didn't have to be that way. Frightening how we hone these kids to be so competitive, putting them through the paces. Scary really. For some of them, competition is all there really is. We try to keep it a bit more balanced around here but it is hard.

So, 2 girls and 2 boys on each team. Thankfully, at least, they make sure there is gender equality for this thing! The other girl on my brainy math girls team is a kid she has known forever, a very competitive kid and not really a friend. Could she be considered one of the mean or popular kids? Probably, although I don't know. My kid's exuberance and joie de vive probably just bugs the hell out of her. Can't say I blame her. And, she is from a much more conservative family; politically, socially, everything.

Initially there was some dismay, so I tried to turn it on its head, "Because you guys are on the same team, all that competitiveness can be directed out! You guys will be a very strong team partly because she is so driven. She won't be competing against you but with you."

"Good point." she says and hasn't brought it up since. Hope that is how the other kid sees it too.

Because, you see, I am going to have to go strictly by hearsay. Again, I will not be going to help out. I wanted to, don't get me wrong. I wanted to real bad but my kid said no. But I went for the 4th grade one so I can pretty much imagine it.

So, I will hoover up the details, the gory and the glory, and send positive math thoughts and happy equation wishes to her all day! And, of course, faithfully report back.

Good luck brainy math kids! Life is so much more than winning a contest but, hey, winning feels pretty good! Go get 'em!

Update:

Just got the word; 1st place 3 years in a row!

Update on perfectionism

Well, as many of you probably predicted, my middle schooler came home from school on Monday with the exact opposite of mood then when she left. She dragged herself out and bounced her way in.

Meaning: she was no longer bleak and wimpy.

What happened to change the dynamic so drastically?

She talked with her teacher. Eureka!

You know, it really is amazing what happens when you open your mouth and communicate. People listen, begin to understand and changes can take place.

We are all about communication in this house, as freely and as unencumbered as possible. Within reason, of course!

She went to her band teacher, first thing, and asked if she could play the song for the quiz in private. I wish I was a fly on the wall to see how she looked: down cast, uncharacteristically glum, scared poop-less probably.

He said, (insert suspenseful music here - Dun-Dun-Dun!) "Of course, come in tomorrow morning before home room."

Wow! After all that! How anticlimactic! But, extremely illustrative to how we all build up so much manufactured anxiety when it really is no big deal. You know, like a mountain out of a mole hill?

I suppose these sorts of encounters need to happen because I am sure I would get the requisite eye ball roll if I regaled her about that mountain or that mole hill myself.

Some things you just have to go through.

I asked her how everyone else did on the quiz. I have to document this here because she only admits I was right fairly infrequently.

She said, "Mom, you were right. A bunch of other kids forgot about the quiz until Sunday night and had to scramble like me. And, one kid," (complete with blushes because it is the boy she likes) completely forgot and didn't realize there was a quiz until he walked into the band room!"

Ahh...sweet retribution.

So, she practiced the quiz song a good long while on Monday night and ended up getting 19 out of 20 the next morning.

Tragedy averted...until the next time.

Perfectionism and the art of beating yourself up

Those of you who know me, know I am no perfectionist. Jake - undoubtedly but not me.

So when I see that tendency in my middle school child, WSRN (who shall remain nameless) I am at a loss.

Usually she just flits happily through life, not settling too heavily on any one thing. All things are pretty interesting and entertaining and she enjoys tons of activities and pursuits to fill her time.

Last night (Sunday night) she remembered she had a band quiz on Monday morning. She literally panicked. Whipping out her flute, she tried to bang out the tune, had trouble, more trouble, just couldn't get it. Tears, worry, bleak heavy sighs. She wanted to miss school today because of this.

Hormones much?

I said, "It's just band! You have an A in the class. One bad quiz is not going to derail you. Do your best. If it is a hard song then others are going to have trouble too. You will not be the only one!" Insert all those practical, mom-ish type comments that come out of our mouths at time such as these.

With real tears welling in her huge brown eyes, she says "But we have to play it in front of everyone while they listen and people laugh and snicker if you make a mistake."

Ouch! Now, frankly I can relate to this anxiety! It sounds like a bad dream. I never liked being put on the spot like this but I guess this band instructor has a real "trial by fire" attitude and he wants the goods or else.

I ask, "Have you ever laughed when someone makes a mistake?" Internally cringing, knowing the answer.

"I try not to." she says sniffling pathetically.

OK. I am not trying to make light of this. In fact, I am sort of frightened that she is having such a strong reaction and beating herself up so expertly. My mind boggles at all the times in life stuff like this comes up. Miserable, uncomfortable moments when you feel like a complete jerk and/or loser. Unfortunately, you sort of have to go through a few of those before you realize, "Sheesh. I am never going to be that unprepared again!" And, really mean it.

Jake, perhaps because he recognizes this perfectionist trait, says "Just do your best, honey, and then we'll make sure this never happens again. I will help you. I promise." Good advise but, of course, it didn't make her feel any better.

This morning her mood was not much better. I guess it was particularly hard to see her like that because she is literally never like that! She is always boinging around and giggling, hassling the cat, yackity yacking, bouncing out the door. It is painful to see her drag herself around.

Hormones much?

As she nibbled her toast, I said, "I can't let you blow this quiz off. I would be teaching you a bad lesson and it would be really irresponsible of me. No, you can't stay home from school."

"But, will you let me "accidentally" forget my flute today?" she interjects hopefully.

"No, baby, that's bad mommy stuff. No can do."

So, we did a little scheming and she decided she would ask the instructor if she could be quizzed on the song in private. Without the bevy of gigglers laughing at her. I took her to school, encouraged her to go straight to the band room to talk with the instructor and see what he says.

I can't imagine any middle school band instructor no being softened by my kid with her big eyes full of tears, totally stressed out about a stupid song. But, I haven't heard the outcome yet. Who know, maybe it is all about weeding them out the first year.

But, that brings me back to my fears for her and this blasted perfectionism. This is a kid where everything has been pretty easy so far. She really takes to things quickly and can pull good grades without a herculean effort. If something is hard she wants to quit and go back to something she is good at. Therefore not being prepared for a quiz can throw her into a spiral?

That just seems to not bode well. I am not going to make a big deal out of this, I say over and over to myself. I expect her to bounce through the door, her normal chirpy self. Maybe we were right. It won't be as bad as she thought. Let's hope.

Update to come...

Grinding

What does the word "grind" bring to mind?

I think of coffee first and then a tool called a "grinder" and then the sandwich.

Never do I think of a simulated sexual act preformed fully clothed in a room full of people at a school dance.

Or I used to not but now I do.

Remember when a certain 6th grade girl (that shall remain nameless) went to her first dance? We mommys had an eye opening with the 8th grade grinders wowing all the little kids.

I risk being totally bagged for being a prude-y mom because I was such a rascal myself and you would be correct. But, I am not the only one.

The latest editorial in the Vashon Beachcomber, describes it exactly. Apparently the latest high school homecoming dance shocked and horrified enough parents that they get together on a Sunday and discussed how shocking it was! Full disclosure: I was not there.

The only rule for dancing is the girl can't bend over! Wow. Ok. I am not even sure what to say about that.

But obviously it has gotten the conversation going which is always a good thing. And one of the really nice thing about Vashon; we are a good size to have a real dialog in the public forum and can actually have a well rounded airing of an issue.

I guess I am just trying to figure out what is about this that is really bothering me. Is it because they are so young? Middle school does seem young to me; 11 - 13. And, there is a big hormone difference between 6th and 8th grade.

Maybe it's because they are doing this supposedly "private" thing right out in the middle of everything apparently without modesty?

Or is it that we are just letting them get away with too much? How bad will it backfire if we try and lower the boom on this sort of thing?

I guess finally I am afraid of the objectification and how the girls just seem to naturally slip into that role. I find it disturbing. I also want to hand them free condoms and birth control, STD information.

As parents, we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. If we lower the boom, it looks even sexier and if we allow it we are saying ok to sexual behavior in a public place.

So, what to do?

Instead of the Halloween dance tomorrow night, I am taking 4- 6th grade girls "over town" Bowling then back here for slumber party after. There are always other dances.

Dancing through that social scene

Today is the first school dance for a certain brand new middle school-er in my family.

Titled "The Welcome back to school" dance, it is directly after school and won't just have dancing.

Carnival games, prizes and, of course, plenty of sugar laden treats will keep kids busy whether they dance or not.

One of the neighbor girls said, "Everyone is asking someone to go to the dance!"

Really? Actually not everyone because she and my new middle school-er did not. But apparently some people did.

The results? Lots of declines but thank you very much. Ah...just like life.

The preferred mode is to meet up with a few friends and brave the social scene together without the added stress of an arranged "date" at 11 or 12.

Holy crap!

Jake said this morning, "This sure does seem like a lot of pressure to put on the kids." Thank you very much. I agree. But at least there are other things to do other than dance.

I remember my 6th grades dances. Light was dim, the girls clustered giggling in their "party clothes", boys visibly uncomfortably, lurking on the extreme other side of the room. Any dancing? No, not much.

Dances really didn't get rockin' until high school or at least 8th grade.

Molly told me at 6:00 PM last night that she volunteered to bring treats to the dance. Yow! Too late to make anything so I called the local bakery to save our bacon.

So, they are selling treats too? Ah ha! I get it. This is just another fund raising opportunity for the school. I get it now.

Let's hope they have fun and not take all this too seriously.

For some, it is a lot of pressure. Wish we didn't have to start them on it so young.

Alas.

UPDATE:

Well, dances are different these days. There was plenty of dancing, not much standing around uncomfortably. The 8th graders planned, organized, decorated and picked the music for the dance. They get to decide what to do with the money raised.

I think most of the 6th graders were a little shocked at how sexually charged the older kid's dancing was. I figured there would be some bumping and grinding. Well, there was LOTS of bumping and grinding from the 8th graders.

Gotta good alarm clock?

God I love to sleep in.

Scratch that.

God I love sleeping in and being able to read in bed for a bit until Shea wakes up and comes downstairs to get a snuggie in the big bed. Ahh...the calm before the storm. A somewhat guilty pleasure but payment for those long summer days with the kids.

Soon, very soon, that all goes away.

School starts on Tuesday; six days from now. And Middle schoolers need to be at school early. Like 7:50 early. Ok, almost 8:00 but she'll have be up by 6:45 AM.

That is too early!

And, all because they don't have enough buses to do all the kids at the same time. The high school and middle school are first then the elementary run is done. The little kids start at 9:00.

Doesn't that suck!

A lot of parents are annoyed. It remains to be seen just how annoyed I am. I will report back.

But, we are on the hunt for a good alarm clock.

Middle school orientation

I have been dreading these middle school years for my oldest. They were tough, rocky years for me and I sure didn't want that for her. Some stuff they just have to go through, that is for sure. Can't protect them forever, even though you want to.

Last night was the orientation for the parents; a Q&A with teachers, administrators and, best of all, some of the middle school kids.

The principal assured all us involved parents that they still want parental volunteers. Please, please, volunteer. So that was nice to know.

They had coordinated a panel of mentors, who were 7th graders, to discuss the 5th/6th grade transition. They stood out front and met (shaking hands! and surprisingly good grips!) with each parent as they arrived giving them an agenda of the evening. It was a little disconcerting to see kids that I had known from our multi-age class (1st, 2nd, 3rd grades) wearing make-up and curving out.

Each mentor took a turn talking about a fear as they were transitioning into 6th grade and a hi-point. It was the cutest darn thing I have seen in a while. Nervous giggles, wiggling feets, embarressed, blushing cheeks but managing to be really poised all the while.

Fears:

Couldn't find their class, getting lost
Not being able to open their locker
Getting picked on, bullying
Too much homework
Not being able to make friends
Having to get up really early

They assured us that non of their fears came to pass. Except having to get up early! Middle school and high school starts at 7:36 AM!

One kid said she used to want to stay up late and nagged her parents to be able to. Now, she says sleep is sacred and she willing goes to bed at 8:30. Yow!

Hi-lights:

Band
Changing classes
New friends
Fun teachers
Cool electives
Dances

Everything, I suspect, a parent would want to hear. But, it was a very sweet look into their heads and hearts.

I shook hands with a particularly engaging Humanities teacher, "I think we are going to get along just fine." I gave him a thumbs up sign.

I think/hope we are going to be just fine.

Dazed and amazed

I am still in shock.

Yesterday, I received a letter from McMurray Middle School informing us of upcoming parents and student orientations, etc.

There has to be some mistake! How did I get on this list? Double take! Miss Molly? Are you going to be in 6th grade next year?

Oy!

After the initial disbelief wore off, I noticed that McMurray seems to have the "big transition" well planned. The middle school counselor visits all the 5th grades classes a couple of times, middle school teachers and band director come to enthuse about how darn cool it all is. There are multiple visits to the school for the kids with next year's 7th grade mentors. And, of course, the parents Q&A evening; "7:00 PM sharp, do not be tardy".

Am I freaked, nervous, jittery? Yes, I am. Why? I am trying to put my finger on it.

There is a general unease about the middle school years in general. Sex, drugs, depression, dangerous behaviors. I remember it well. But, these are more general worries about the age group, less to do with my specific kid.

I do certainly have "my specific kid" worries too. One thing, she is one of the youngest kids in her class. Academically, it has never been a problem. Socially? Maybe a bit. Hard to know. She is resilient and seems to bounce back but there is social stuff going even now that she doesn't seem to fathom. Is it necessary? Maybe not.

Teasing? Bullying? Sort of. But, she sees things very pragmatically. "So-and-so is being nice now. She is not so mean anymore." She feels it is safe to be friendly with that someone now. I think about the manipulative nature of kid-kind and cringe for the inevitable slap.

We certainly can't do it for them. Not that I haven't tried. But, I do vow to be present and aware of what, who and where she is spending her time.

I had a little too much unsupervised time when young. Did I take advantage and pursue risky behavior? You bet your bippy!

Jake kids about being one of the fathers rocking on the front porch with a shotgun waiting for his darling "pumpkin" to get home from a dance. Aside from the shotgun, it is not that far from the truth.

The pendulum does swing back. Both Jake and I had plenty of freedom during those years. We have seen the naughty up close and personal and we have decided that it isn't going to be that way for ours.

This too may backfire. Yet another parental leap of faith, I fear.