Leadership qualities or just plain bossy?

I wonder about this a lot and it seems to be surfacing more now that Shea is talking more.

With Molly, she bossed me up one side down the next until I would get fed up and say, "Hey, stop bossing me around all the time!" That gets her attention but she still slips into it. She may put a please or thank you somewhere near it but at the root she is still bossing me around. Occasionally, I will say, "Tip your servers. They have done a great job tonight!" which may or may not get the desired result.

Is this leadership? Or just being spoiled rotten? Is this over indulging my kids? Or is this how they figure out what they can and can not get away with? Do all kids do this? Or only kids that aren't spanked? Hmmm. Perplexing.

Recently, I volunteered with Molly's 5th grade class on a Robotics project. This is something else! It is a multi-week project working with those little LEGO cars that have computers components in them that the kids need to build, program and put through various tasks and challenges. Pretty fun. Some of the kids are so engrossed, they can barely see anything but their "bot". I have never seen some of them so engaged.

They work in pairs and Molly's partner is a wonderfully sweet, gentle kid who, I fear, is being completely bossed around. I could barely watch the day I was there for frustration was high; the flushed cheeks and minor stomping of feet with annoyance. Although I am told it has improved as the project has gone on. I expect this project has as much or more to do with teamwork and problem solving than design and programming.

Now that Shea is talking more, he has slipped into his bossy phase too. Please, tell me it is a phase! "Mom, come here." "You pick up." "Get cookie bar...please." At least, I have gotten him to tag a "polite" word on the end most of the time. But, still I will eventually loose my patience and say, "Hey, stop bossing me around."

They both take it in stride. Isn't that a mom's job to fetch and carry? Dad sometimes too? This is the "entitled kid" generation we are talking about. And, it can be pretty disturbing in some instances. I wonder if it will be different for them if they have kids of their own.

Heavy negotiations or bargaining for every little thing

I don't know if it is Molly's age (10) or just her personality but life seems to be one big negotiation session...about everything.

For example, whether or not she can;

Stay up later, not take a bath until tomorrow, have her advent chocolate in the morning or right before dinner, pick up her room later, not wear a coat to school, find out what I got her for Christmas, etc. etc.

On one hand I wonder if this is the road signs of a spoiled rotten, entitled kid? On the other, is this her way of pushing boundaries and seeing which limits are set? Or is this just adolescence?

Which ever hand it is, it's just plain exhausting to be constantly in deep negotiations over the most mundane things in life. Ok, granted, mundane for me, maybe not for her.

I tell her she may grow up to be a diplomat at the UN, a lawyer or a professional negotiator. She suspects I'm kidding I'm not.

Rough patch

Shea got into trouble today at school. Something about hitting or bugging the other kids? It wasn't quite clear and I, of course, wasn't there at the time but I can imagine.

His teacher came out to have one of those heart to heart talks with Shea and I just as I picked him up. Shea must've just been pulled for a time out or something because he was in full crying, melt down mode. Not a common thing which makes me think he was pretty tired or maybe could be getting a little sick.

"I think Shea was playing at being a fierce tiger or dinosaur or something and was growling and pretending to claw at the other kids. Some of them did not want to play that way and told him so but Shea would not stop."

I said, "Oh. So you were bugging the other kids, Shea? Did someone pop you in the nose to make you stop?"

Teacher was horrified, "No, no, no! Nothing like that." I never really did find out the full story of what really happened because meanwhile Shea is still sobbing and really beginning to work us over. In this situation, my strategy is to move on to something else, change the scene, transition to something else. But, he was still worked up and hit me as I was getting his stuff to go.

The teacher kept apologizing. I am not sure why. I guess she was sorry that I had to pick up a crying kid. Hey, everyone has their moments; Shea included.

But, this is an example of something that has brewing for a while and I can't quite put my finger on it. Part of it has to do with the way Shea and Molly play together which is very physical. They wrestle and tickle and hug and jump on each other. This, of course, does not work with the other kids. Other than yelling myself hoarse anytime Molly and Shea play rough, I don't know how to change the dynamic. I mean, they love each other to distraction and frankly they should be able to play with each other the way they like to. Within reason, right?

But, then again, how does a kid like Shea learn appropriate social dynamics when Molly is throwing conflicting cues into the mix all the time? Don't get me wrong, this is not Molly's fault but I do wish there was a way to help her see that she is teaching him how to interact with the world. And, those lessons may be making it harder for him to get along.

Another part of this is his Sensory Integration issue which makes him very excitable and frustrated in crowds. He gets really worked up and, of course, can't communicate at the pace or volume as anyone around him. Sometimes he just stops trying and hits the wall. I have seen him strike out from pure frustration; everything is moving too fast for him and he doesn't know how to cope.

Sometimes Shea's progress seems dazzling and I am filled with hope and enthusiasm for the future. And, then sometimes just a little thing like "don't hit" derails all the optimism and shoots me down a road of worry, concern and pessimistic thoughts.

There really isn't anything else to do but soldier on. Some days are better than others.

"By...my...self..." Shea insists often.

Shea's really working on the old independent spirit thing these days. Actually, it's nice to see. He still wants me to do plenty for him but he wants to decide what and when for himself.

You know, normal kid stuff.

In the past, if he even tried using his words, I tended to honor the request just to support the attempt. But, like any kid, Shea will say "cookie" all day if allowed. So, to keep it all in check we need to re-evaluate periodically.

Last week he got into a little scuffle at school. I asked him what happened, he said in that stilted, deliberate way of his, "Hit him." Oh boy! A+ for honesty but a D- for hitting.

"Hitting is never ok, Shea." I predictably repeat, way too many times. I worry if his frustration level is rising or things just got out of hand this one time. Without being a fly on the wall, it is really hard to know.

Up until recently, he has always been such an even tempered kid. I remember starting with Bubble Lady when he was three and there was not a hint of the contrary kid. I pointed this out to her but in her wisdom she predicted that it would probably appear...eventually. Of course she was right. With a vengeance.

Shea won't throw full scale tantrums usually but will be contrary just for the sake of contrariness. Or as they say, oppositional behavior. This plays out about 400 times a day with his sister. I hear he is a little better behaved with other kids at school, thankfully.

I expect this is just normal kid stuff and he will work through it eventually. But, I am aware that Shea is on his own schedule and may need to be reminded again and again about certain social lessons.

No hitting is a real big one.

School: when it isn't going well, Part 2

Communication is obviously the key to any relationship. So, when my non-verbal kid started school, one of my biggest worries was he wasn't going to be able to tell me if he didn't like it. Or if he had a problem with a teacher or another kid. I still worry about stuff like that but because Shea is in a Developmental Preschool you would think that the teacher would be sensitive to that issue.

Lesson learned; even though it should be true doesn't mean that it always ends up that way.

I found out Shea was having some problems in school by accident. His teacher described his usual classroom behavior as: anxious, stressed, threatening, angry and that he was "attacking" other students. These characteristics were described in a multiple choice questionnaire that the UW CHDD wanted his teacher to fill out before our full neuro-developmental screen last Spring.

When I got it back from the teacher, I was stunned. There was no explanation attached, no note saying please call if I had any questions, etc. It just seemed odd. I barely recognized my kid from her description.

I sort of sat on it for a while but grew more and more upset and concerned. I gave copies to our private specialists which is when my head popped off my body! Both, OT and Speech Pathologist were equally concerned with the behaviors described and asked for more detail. The UW CHDD was surprised and quizzical about the teacher's questionnaire because it didn't seem to jive with what they were seeing from Shea either.

I figured it was time to ask the teacher directly but I always wonder about the best way to approach a teacher on delicate issues. In writing? So that you can edit, re-edit and make sure you do not offend plus document the issue all in one fell swoop? Or in person, face to face? Over the phone? What really is the best way to do it? I still don't know.

In this case, I called the teacher and asked her point blank. I didn't go very well. She was defensive and dismissive. I suggested it was time to have the IEP review, she suggested bringing in administration staff. Oh boy! This sure mushroomed fast.

So much of life is posturing, this situation was no different. I remember going to the meeting with Jake and there were 6 or 7 to our 2. It would be pretty normal to feel intimidated or out numbered in a situation like that. Oh, and it was plenty uncomfortable but I have a trick to share. Bring a tape recorder. It doesn't really even have to work although if things get really contentious, I bet you would be glad to have the conversation documented. At the beginning of the meeting, quietly whip out the recorder, hit play and set it down in the middle of the meeting table and watch the mood change.

Another good strategy is to go to the meeting with suggestions, so you aren't just complaining but offering solutions too. My suggestions were; I wanted a different teacher for Shea the next year and I wanted consistent communication from his current teacher for the remaining of the year. I suggested that I would put a spiral notebook in his backpack and if any of this "angry, threatening" behavior occurred they were to document the situation in context so that I could reinforce appropriate behavior at home. The administration did not like me dictating his placement but they made sure it happened.

And, what ever happened to all that weird, scary behavior that I had never seen before? The teacher never mentioned or documented any additional occurrences. Am I to guess it sort of just "went away"? Good question.

Underneath is all, I think the teacher and Shea just didn't click. Maybe he was a lot more work than the other kids or they didn't particularly like each other. I am realistic. This will happen. But, any teacher still needs to hold to appropriate standards and practices. If they don't, it your right and responsibility as the parent to call them on it.

Call it parental advocacy. Call it squeaky wheel. Call it what you want but no one else will do it for your kid. After all, you are the expert on your child, sometimes you have to be aggressive.