Learning how to put disappointment in perspective

We just got back from the "Math is Cool" state championships held in lovely Moses Lake, WA.

Hundred of kids from dozens of school come from all over the state to participate with parents, siblings and math coaches in tow.

Most participants arrive on Friday, stay at a nearby hotel and arrive bright and bushy tailed on Saturday morning ready to "math is up".

That is certainly what we did. I had the added pleasure of having the math coach with me this year, a totally terrific fellow who was an absolute pleasure to have along.

All the Vashon 6th grade families that were participating had coordinated to stay at the same hotel and meet for dinner together. Amazingly we managed to find a very nice restaurant, a serious cut above SubWay which is my usual worry about trips like these.

We hit the sack early and a certain middle schooler (who shall remain nameless) managed to sleep like a brick from 10:00 pm to 8:00 am while I tossed and turned all night having bizarre anxiety dreams.

Morning dawned sunny and warm, moods were high and enthusiastic and breakfast was predictable. We all headed off to the big show down with springy steps and palpable desires for math glory.

So, how did it all go? Well, a little bit underwhelming.

Don't get me wrong. The kids did great! They really did. 2 of the team of 4 placed in the top 8 and got trophies! But, as a team they did not place in the top 4 in their division therefore did not get ribbons.

The mood was grim but rebounded a bit when they realized that they were actually 6th. Not good enough for ribbons but certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

Plenty of pats on the back followed and appropriately adult comments like, "It doesn't really matter about the winning because it is such an honor to even be here."

Which is all true. And, such a typically adult way of couching disappointment with good perspective.

Then it started me thinking. Maybe the real lesson isn't about who can do statistically probability in their heads the fastest but the ability to put all these competitions in the appropriate perspective.

Maybe the real role of these things is a lesson in handling disappointment well, in a healthy way, in a way that doesn't de-rail egos and mangle self-esteem.

I sure hope so.

I guess if I knew that was indeed true, I wouldn't be so nervous about my daughter being swept along on this ride. I mean, how damn competitive does math have to be!?

I guess the answer is in the reaction.

Does she want to do it again next year? You bet. She even said that she might prepare a bit more next year. Considering she prepared exactly ZERO this year, I think an important lesson was learned.

And, about handling the disappointment? She promptly came home and made 6th place ribbons for everyone on the team plus her coach because, after all, it was an honor to even be there.

Lesson learned.

Vanity rules or confessions of a big fat loser

Middle age; perhaps the bane of our extended life span or maybe I should say the expanding waist band.

We all know it sneaks up on us. A pound here and a pound there. Slower metabolism is the culprit. The habit of finishing your kid's food because you don't want to waste it! Treating ourselves because, dammit, we deserve it. You know, just getting soft.

Goodies, lunches out, several delicious fortified beverages on occasion because well...we do indeed deserve it. It is pretty easy to just wear comfy-er pants, maybe just bump it up to achieve a roomy-er fit. Over the years though, it sure does catch up and you find you are going slower and slower because of it.

Did I deserve the extra 20 that was sitting uncomfortably around my middle? Well, I myself put it there over time so, yes, I did. But in all honesty it was taking a serious toll. Vanity? You Betcha! Health? Yikes! Sluggishness compounded by lack of tone compounded by, "OMG! I am 45! If I don't do something now, I may never be able to pull it together!"

Everywhere you turn there is inspiration AKA exasperation.

Take a look at Michelle Obama. No waif of a woman but healthy, strong and firm. I would pay big bucks to have toned arms like her. As she talks about childhood obesity and bringing important focus to this grave epidemic, us adults just get fat and fatter. Why would our kids stay fit and watch their weight when as they see their parents chomp on chips and buttered popcorn in front of the TV every night?

Well, all this guilt and the sharp unforgiving corners of brutal reality started me thinking. I guess just taking walks with my beloved GGFs was not enough. Obviously. So when a pal started hitting the gym in the morning instead of walking, I was intrigued.

Ok, honestly, I was annoyed. But she begged me to join her just to try it out. Nothing stressful. Layered in forgivingly stretchy and hiding clothes, I tentatively dipped my toe into a work out routine, 3 days a week.

My friend encouraged me to start out slow. Maybe warm up with a little treadmill, perhaps jump on the Elliptical machine to burn some fat, she enthused. There is a full weight room downstairs, might as well work my arms and do some crunches. If there is time, maybe take a dip in the pool, hot tub, sauna! Shower up and off to the normal gyrations of the day.

Wow. Hey! It wasn't so bad. In fact, it felt sort of wonderful to feel that trickle of sweat run down my back. Delicious, in fact. Even better than that bag of chips!

It didn't take long to feel completely different. Notice I say, "Feel" vs. "Look". I immediately felt kind of empty and purged and deliciously tired...in a good way.

I learned to stoke up my i-pod with pop tunes that my tween help me pick out. And, when I crank up the Lady Gaga tunes, close my eyes and sweat, I am the happiest camper on the block. This is my mommy time and I defend and protect it aggressively!

So, the lbs. were trickling away but DAMMIT! I started wanting some big impact. I started to want to feel transformed. So, I started taking a good hard look at my intake. Portion control and those -o-so-delicious-fortified beverages that I love so much.

Would I be willing to forgo micro brews for less flab? Well, yes. So I cut back then I just plain old quit. Cold turkey.

I can hear the collective sharp intake of breath from all those who know me and, perhaps, from those who don't. Quitting drinking was the big one for me. I began by not drinking on weeknights and for the first couple of weeks it was hard. 5:00 hit and my hand just felt empty without a brewski. So, I said to myself, "Only weekends." And, then, later, only if I wanted to.

I know, I know, hard to believe because I love to drink. I like the taste and the kooky buzz but let's admit it folks, a lot of time drinking can be self medication. And, I just decided that the medicine wasn't worth my spare tire.

So, I toss off one habit and took up another. A healthier habit. One that is literally putting years on my life. The amazing thing about habits is that it gets easier, you slip into auto pilot mode and you miss it if you stop.

To make a short story longer; I have lost 20 lbs. I went from a roomy size 14 to a satisfyingly snug size 8. I sleep like a brick. I don't feel like a lumbering lummux anymore. I am a good role model for my family who is coming along in my footsteps.

Do I work out everyday? Pretty much. On weekends? Uh...yes. I am sort of embarrassed to say it but "Hell yes, it is really mellow at the gym on weekends!" I guess I am obsessed.

So all in all, I feel like a new person, transformed, energized like I have my mo-jo back. How long did it take. Honestly, only about 3 months which doesn't seem like a very long time to transform your life.

Will I get bored and go back to my slovenly way? I am not sure. I hope not. The habit is ingrained now and I have successfully incorporated it into my schedule. I miss it if I skip a day. And, would certainly miss my new self.

Drill, baby drill? More like "Spill, baby spill!"

Heartbreaking!

They say this one will be worse than the Exxon Valdez. How did that turn out?

Special mommy lunch; sanity over tomato soup

I have said it so many time that I am a broken record. But since I have your attention, I will say it again. Connecting with other parents of kids with special needs makes all the difference. Not all THE difference. ALL THE DIFFERENCE!

It has taken awhile but I have finally pulled together my special mommy posse and we had lunch together yesterday at a local restaurant.

You know how it goes, its that table over there that will not turn over, been there all afternoon not having desert, talking, talking, talking and getting their glasses filled and refilled with water.

Sounds annoying perhaps but it was so nice and so needed. I recommend it to everyone!

I feel lucky to have found them and spending the afternoon listening to the play by play of each of their stories about their child's IEP meeting reminded me that no matter how isolated we feel, there are others out there feeling the same way.

The trick is finding them.

It took a while. Our kids do not really know each other, being years, grades and genders apart. But we speak the same language. I always learn so much and am fortified and reinforced by them, the stories, the passion and the pain.

We are devoted cheering squads for the good news and, yes, there is always good news. And, we are the dedicated backup fighters quick to take sides strongly with our posse member against all comers. The school district. Teachers that don't get or are too tired/lazy/indifferent to practice inclusion. Parents that shun. Kids that exclude.

All of the above got our well deserved wrath yesterday. Happily, joyously we had the special - perspective and I could probably eat it every single day if it was possible.

Thank you ladies. My feeble words could never completely explain how important that was to me.

Legalizing racial profiling? Bad ju-ju

IEP Meeting de-brief

Done for another year. What did I learn? That I am getting better at these meetings? Yes, I am. Although I still dread them and spend weeks prepping and stressing out.

How did it go? Pretty darn good really. I have to say, the people on Shea's team do seem to know him and they do listen to us. Which is always good.

Any surprises? Yes, no ESY which got me raising my eyebrows but I let it pass. The ESY last summer was minimal and so lame that I ended up saying, "Why bother?"

See! I don't fight every single battle. I pick and choose. In all honesty, I believe it is a budget decision and there are going to be cuts everywhere. So, I am going to let that one go. Thank god, Shea is doing well enough that I feel like I can.

Also, no special transportation. Really? Bye-bye special bus? I asked, "Is this because Shea isn't "special enough"?" And, they sort of agreed, yes. Ok. I don't really have a problem with this since we live close enough to the school. I let that one go too.

The battle I will go to the mat for is placement for next year. And, they seemed to have heard me or at least pretended. Of course, they do not even know who will be teaching 1st grade next year. They always say that and I feel for them but I am still plugging for multi-age and I will write an epic placement document to submit to make sure they are all double-triple aware.

They listened to me about the harm of too much rigidity and what that would do for Shea's progress. They agreed that too much structure might make him recoil and back away. I was emphatic about how hard we have all worked to get him to the place that he is at and that I am scared to death that if we push too hard it will backfire. I also reasserted the fact that Shea likes to make strong connections with people and that if he likes a teacher, he will want to please them. Strong connections are key but it takes him a little while and 3 years with the same teacher would be beneficial for him. All my reasoning in support of multi-age.

They heard me, I think.

I know I am a squeaky wheel. I know that I get extra grease because of it. Am I proud of it? No. In fact, I am sort of pissed that it is the way it is. Yes, I am a strong advocate, articulate and confident but why should my kid get better "stuff" because of that?

It isn't fair. I know, I know, life is rarely fair.

I sometimes try to imagine if there is a big red flag on my kids files.

Warning: handle with care! Mommy bites and won't let go! Use tranquilizer gun!

Yes, there probably is. I am a product of the system. I am as pushy as I have to be to get what my boy needs. But what about the other parents? What if it isn't in their nature to fight and push? What if they don't have the time, education, articulation or even command of the English language?

Who suffers? That's right. The kids. The whole system sucks.

Happy Birthday Shea!

My baby turned 6 today. That's right. 6 years ago today is when I got to meet me boy face to face for the first time.

He was sleepy and they had me wake him to eat. Could he be annoyed that we had to take him a week early? His temp was not rising at first and I had to hold him skin to skin to get him warm. He had trouble latching on and I had to pump and feed him with a syringe. When I think back now it seems like a movie, someone else's story.

He is getting to be a big boy now. He lost his first tooth a week or so ago. He is reading better and better everyday and will be moving on to 1st grade next fall.

When I look at my kids, both of them, I feel like they are the best thing I have done with my life. The incredible joy they bring is only outweighed by the heavy responsibility I feel to help them develop into the wonderful people that I know they are.

Happy birthday, baby boy! Because of you, I am a much better person than I ever was before.

Now this makes sense...

I feel it coming...

Like a big dark cloud. Like a herd of stampeding Wildebeasts. Like a chilly fog that has wrapped itself around everything this week despite the beautiful spring like weather.

Depression? Angst? Annoyance? Mid-life crisis?

No, IEP meeting barreling down on us at the end of the week.

I feel it coming, everyone is going to sit there and nod and look at us with compassion and then explain why Shea can't be in the multi-age class for 1st grade. Even though his specialists think it would be the right spot for him. Even though we have 3 years experience with multi-age and feel it would be the right spot for him. And, even though when pressed some of his IEP team think it might be the right place for him.

The reason?

Because it is just so darn popular and everyone wants multi-age. For those of you who may be confused, the mulit-age program here is 3 classes of 1st, 2nd, 3rd graders with one teacher each. The student stays with the same teacher for the 3 years and moves through different levels of being helped and then helping. I saw it in action. The mentoring that happens is quite wonderful and happens organically. The kids just find it natural to protect and help the younger kids and, of course, the younger kids don't need to be told to emulate the older kids.

The format is more fluid, less "sit at your desk and shut up", more more variety.

The IEP team is going to point out Shea's distract-ability and how he needs extra help with direction taking. I am going to point out that he is an enthusiastic learning when motivated. They are going to point out how multi-age kids need to be self-motivated and self directed and that Shea needs more structure. And, I am going to want him in that program anyway.

Yes, I am biased. Jake says he just wants Shea to be comfortable where ever he ends up.

In all honesty, when they say he needs structure, I am afraid they are going to try and shove him with this one teacher who is so structures and cold that I think it will backfire. She makes the kids sit the entire AM doing workbooks at their desks by themselves and punishes them if they do not finish by not letting them go outside for recess.

Some say she is old school. Some call it structure but my sensibilities are horrified. So horrified that I am going to break the cardinal rule of parents when talking to the school.

Insist that my kid does not get this one teacher.

This oppositional behavior from Shea is coming out more and more. If you want him to do something, heaven help you if you just ask him to do it, he won't. One must be creative and motivate him in others ways. Just laying down the law does not work. Is that what they are calling structured teaching?

Our wonderful IEP case manager is pulling together a list of characteristics for kids in multi-age. And, pulling together a list of what all the Kindergarten teachers see as beneficial traits for multi-age.

See? Do you feel it coming too?

I guess a parent has to pick their battles with the school too. I guess the question is: how much of a full on onslaught do we want to provoke? How much of a pain in the ass do we want to be?

If multi-age is so darn popular, maybe they should expand the program!

Much hilarity ensued...

I am sure everyone is just dying to hear how the big fundraiser went! Well, it was a rockin' success. We raised $1000 in 3 hours mainly by stuffing cash into any one dozens of gloriously decorated boots! Way to go Vashon! You really know how to party!

As you can see from this picture, I was in rare form and certainly willing and quite able to make a fool out of myself for a good cause.

Ah...good old small town living.

So, did I sing? As the evening stretched out it was becoming more and more obvious that there was no way I was going to get out of doing a tune.

Hence, "Tainted Love" and the accolades are still rolling in!

Assessments, feedback and placement: oh my!

We had the big "Feedback" meeting yesterday. Because Shea is turning 6, the school puts him through all the assessments again to determine what services he will qualify for. The feedback meeting it to share the good, bad and the ugly with the parents and the team.

Jake and I went and Molly babysat Shea and his little buddy Honon during the meeting.

Shea will qualify for speech but does not qualify for adaptive/cognitive anymore. His description is changed from DD Developmental Delay to CD Communication Disorder.

Apparently, he falls within age appropriate range for all adaptive and cognitive testing and I am taking that as very good news indeed.

He will get extra accommodation for following directions but basically the consensus was that he is academically ready for 1st grade.

Social will still be a piece for him but that is coming along.

Basically, the meeting was night and day from the 3 year old meeting which I sobbed through. We have sincerely come along way.

It was encouraging to hear his teachers talk about and show us the progression on his work. He came into Kindergarten barely able to spell his own name and now is banging out legible sentences. Marveling the teacher with his reading and sounding out unfamiliar words phonetically.

Now, we just have to do battle on placement.

The formal IEP meeting will be in 2 weeks and I need to do some homework on what teacher or classroom I feel would be best. My inclination is to go for the multi-age program because that is what I am familiar with and Molly had such a wonderful 1st/2nd/3rd grade experience. But, Shea is not Molly and it may not be the right fit.

Some serious thinking to do now but basically our boy is coming along.

I would say he is the successful product of early intervention. For those of you who may not remember, Shea didn't even say his first word until well past 3 years old.

We have really come a long way! But we are not done. He will still need much more speech to work on articulation and he may need tutoring in school as he gets older but the worry that he can't mainstream is pretty much dead.

Sincere thanks to all his teachers and therapists who have made these last 3 years so productive for him. I will never, ever forget any of you.

Best Census PSA! Live long and prosper!

Trend spotting: high fashion rubber art boots

In true Vashon style, they came out of their houses, left their gardens, stumbled to town and showed up at our "Bling the Boots" art party.

Some people jumped right in. Others were sort of confused and needed some urging. But, boy! Did they deliver!

We tried to keep the hot glue gun burns to a minimum as it was an all ages event.

We took over the big excellent craft table at Books by the Way. Jenni was kind enough to host the event and get us set up.

I had been gathering bling for weeks.

Many trips to grannies for wacky little crafty do-dads to glue onto boots; lace, electrical tape, fringe, beads, buttons.

Mission accomplished.

I gathered bags of bugs and gems and frogs and flowers all just looking for a new home on the art boots islanders created for the much anticipated Rubber Boot Fashion Show April 9th at The Red Bicycle, 8:00 - 11:00.

Ok, people! There is still plenty of time to create your own masterpiece and support BARC all in one fell swoop!

We had so much fun, plus there were a few people who couldn't make it so we're going to do another one, April 6th, 12-2 at Books by the Way.

This has been such a fun and motivating event to work on. The buzz is happening and people are jumping on the bandwagon!

How about you!?

Vashon Idol & Rubber Boot Fashion Show - April 9th

When I moved to Vashon 10 years ago, I noticed something right away:

1.) Us islanders sure have a lot in common; mainly a high tolerance for pretty much anything - as long as we can live here. And, 2.) We are all a bunch of notorious hams and talented show offs!

Therefore, I am sure you will not want to miss this much-anticipated all ages event: The Vashon Idol Talent Contest & Rubber Boot Fashion Show at The Red Bicycle on April 9th, 8:00 – 11:00 pm.

Join us for a fun and entertaining evening! Show off your high-fashion wellies on the “cat walk” plus see all the one-of-a-kind art boots created by island artists. Three discerning judges will pick the winning art boots with audience participation. The winning pair will be auctioned off to support BARC which is making its next big push on the next phase of the master plan.

All proceeds will go toward a $5,000 challenge grant for BARC (Burton Athletic Recreation Center) secured by freelance grant writer, Allison Shirk who has been working tirelessly for the Vashon Parks District with excellent results.

We are also thrilled to announce a mystery “Fashion-ista” to hostess the evening! Who is she? Nobody knows! You will just have to show up to find out!

How about you songbirds! Who will get the title of – Vashon Idol for the evening? A professional karaoke machine with 4,000 songs assures that all will be able to belt it out with the best of them.

Knowing Vashon, the competition may be fierce but don’t let that stop you! Come on out and ham it up with the best (or worst) our island has to offer! Or just be part of the highly amused and entertained audience! Either way, this is the party for you!

Kids will need to scram by 11:00 but adults older than 21 will be allowed to continue until the Red Bicycle sends them packing.

So warm up those pipes and dust off these boots and mark your calendar for this fun and frolicsome community event!

To enter either contest or for more info contact Shelley at 206-463-3256 or freshground@comcast.net

Bubble goes to kindergarten

Our beloved SLP (Speech Language Pathologist) has been threatening to make a school visit for some time.

Logistics made it difficult until lately because Bubble now lives on Vashon! She spends long weekends out here and sees Shea every Saturday or Sunday depending on what is going on.

I blubber my thanks and more thanks every once in a while because I don't have to drive Shea to the big city every week anymore and we still get to see our beloved, Bubble. I feel so dang lucky!

With all the shake up with placement for next year, she offered to go in an see how he was doing and give me her opinion of whether moving onto 1st grade would be a good idea.

She visited yesterday and then called immediately and gave me a long, detailed report.

Shea listens in class! He pays attention! He converses with his classmates! And, he raises his hand to answer questions!

Bubble says he gets along well with his typically developing classmates and they seem to like him. I mean, who wouldn't, right? But she says he smiles all the times and greets other enthusiastically, is in good humor and he draws others to him.

To say that I literally gasped with relief and joy is an understatement. For a long time I have wanted to be a fly on the wall, to see him objectively, but my presence is just too big and encumbering when I am there. Shea is way too aware of me and my being there effects how he acts.

Bubble is leaning more and more toward 1st grade for our sweet boy. And, unless some of the standardized assessments paint a wildly different picture, I think we will go for it.

Part of it is: raising the bar high. Last year, when I was sure Shea wasn't ready for Kindergarten but the school thought he should give it a try, I was joyously amazed at his progress and how far he has come. I am thinking that the tendency to coddle and protect, although understandable, might hold him back.

If his very familiar specialists feel he is ready to blaze a new trail, who am I to contradict? I am the worry wart. I am the frettful mommy always with the "What if?" rolling around in my head.

Maybe that is what happens, after a while you learn to listen. Is that age? Is that wisdom? Is that fatigue and relief that someone else is making decisions?

I have decided it doesn't matter.

A dear friend had a little dinner party the other night at her place on the beach with all my favorite people. There were tons of kids and Shea was down there doing all that they were doing; canoeing, throwing rocks in the water, helping to build a beach fire.

I was watching from the deck and thought, "Shea is 6 and Molly is almost 12." In 6 more years she will be 18." There is something about these numbers. I know I will never stop being a mother but I feel like 2/3 of my heavy lifting is done with Molly and 1/3 with Shea.

And, then that soft, sticky, cloud of doubt descends again. I know that Molly will be well prepared for life at 18. Oh, don't worry, I will still be checking in on her no matter what. But Shea? What will he be like at 18?

If this, raising the bar high strategy is any indicator, he will be just fine. Maybe not quite as independent as his sister but who knows.

There is a secure and happy place in this world for Shea. A place for us all.

"Bling the Boots" free art party @ Books by the Way in Vashon March 27th

Sometimes a really wonderful fund raising event comes along and everything just falls into place.

The ideas roll off your tongue and plop happy and fully formed in your collaborators midst, decisions get made matter of factly, nobody has power struggle problems and the goal always stays in site.

Because I am a steward for the Skate Park or BARC (Burton Adventure Recreative Center) I got pulled in to help with the event. And, I am glad to do it because the Vashon Parks department secured a $5000 challenge grant for the next phase of the project which will offer multiple upgrades plus a large outdoor skating area.

The event is...drum roll please....

The Vashon Idol & Rubber Boot Fashion Show! :-)

I did not come up with this idea but it is so perfect I am giddy.

It will be held at a local bar and eatery, The Red Bicycle on Friday night, April 9th, 8:00 - 11:00. It will be all ages until 11:00 then all the under-agers have to scram.

So, I started thinking, "Hmmmm....we better have some good entries for the fashion show." and a plan started swirling and formulating in my brain. Why not have a party and decorate a bunch of boots? We could auction some off!

Their eyes goggled when I brought it up to Molly and her friends and suddenly the party outgrew my kitchen.

So, we are having the party at the charming bookstore on Vashon called Books by the Way where the lovely and talented owner has a huge craft table all set up. We have multiple hot glue guns at the ready and will supply literally pounds of plastic gems and all sorts of bugs, frogs, fish and butterfies plus ribbon, paints, lace and anything else we can think you would need to "bling up" boots.

This it the creative art process in action, people! Join us if you can!

**************************************************************************************

We need creative people to gather and “bling” some rubber boots. Join us at Books by the Way on March 27^th, 12:00 – 2:00 and help us transform a whole bunch of ordinary recycled Granny’s rubber boots of all sizes into fabulous fashion “wellies” worthy of the catwalk.

Show your support for BARC and utilize Book by the Way’s excellent craft zone where free art supplies, plenty of artistic doodads, multiple hot glue guns and tons of inspiration with be on hand. Feel free to bring your own boots and “blings” if so desired.

All boots will be displayed at Books by the Way until the upcoming “Rubber Boot Fashion Show” where they will be “modeled” by islanders, judged and the winners auctioned off.

All proceeds will go toward a $5,000 challenge grant for the BARC (Burton Adventure Recreation Center) as they make a big push toward the next phase of building.

For more information call Jennie at Books by the Way 206-463-2696 or Shelley Dillon at 206-463-3256.

Failing schools....

Rep. Bunning says "Tough shit..."

When confronted with the reality of stopping the Unemployment Bill that would extend unemployment benefits and COBRA to millions of Americans, Rep. Jim Bunning of Kentucky says, "Tough shit!"

Wow. I wonder if he has drowned any kittens lately too. Heartless bastard.

What is a diagnosis?

I am probably thinking about this because Shea is coming up on his big "6th" birthday and he will be crunched through a whole battery of new testing to define his needs for his new Elementary school IEP.

I was thinking about a diagnosis and what if they decide to change Shea's. Wondering if it will change how I see his needs. Wondering if it will change our plans. Wondering if it will piss me off again.

I have been nervous about this for a while. Typically, I hate standardized testing and the attempt to pigeon hole a child with some test that someone made up and charged the school big bucks for. In reality, these tests are just a brief little window into how the child is doing that day, at that minute. And, may not even be a very accurate one either. But, it is all we have.

It is understandable that the school needs to put the child is some sort of measurable framework. I get all that. But it still rubs the wrong way.

Although, it is sort of frightening how a person gets used to it over time. Now, I am anxiously looking forward to these tests to just see where Shea lands in with his peers. Looking for some clues on how we should proceed with placement for next year. Hoping for a "good news" that mainstreaming will be the obvious choice yet they will not try to deny him speech services. All of the above.

How things have changed. When Shea went through this at 3, I resented every single standardized test. I resented the pigeon-holing. I resented everything. Obviously, I was in a pretty bad place at the time or I might not have literally cried through that 3 year old IEP meeting.

I felt the tests were superseding what I knew instinctively. I felt the test were given more weight than what I saw and felt. I wondered how a non-verbal child could take a predominantly verbal test. And, yes, I was pissed! Pissed at the world. Pissed that we had to do this. Pissed that my kid was being pigeon-holed and slapped with a pre-determined future. Pissed at myself because surely I must have done something wrong. Pissed at the whole damn show.

So, now looking back. Did I cry through the whole IEP meeting because I was pissed? Probably. But, unfortunately, not as simple to define as that.

Parents who have gone through this know. They know that it is a sometimes toxic emotional stew that we fester in as we get used to the idea that our child has special needs and what the hell that will mean for the future.

Literally; a stew. Anger, fear, guilt, indignation, skepticism, disbelieve, annoyance, anxiety, shame.

I remember sitting there needing a constant supply of kleenex. I could not keep the tears in check. I am not a person who cries often. Sure, I will tear up at movies and books and be overwhelmed with emotion at time but I have never NOT been able to stop crying. I took tissue after tissue and shoved them wadded up, snotty and drenched in my pocket.

Over heated, over-stimulated, hyper-emotional, near panicked with fear; that is why I could not stop crying. So, saying I was pissed is a gross over simplification although not completely untrue.

I won't be like that this time, I know. I have learned so much. I am not sitting in the role as a passive person anymore. Advocacy changes all that. Connecting with other parents and organizations change all that. Seeing that life lessons teach us even when it is sometimes sad, changes all that.

But it hasn't been easy, it never is.

The earth is a shakin'!

After Haiti, I thought about it. After Chili, I really started thinking about it.

Living on the Pacific Rim in an earthquake zone, the likely potential of an earth shake up never quite leaves your worry sheet.

Oh sure, the Pacific NW is beautiful and mild and we all those cute ferries and Orcas and stuff. But we also happened to have built this beautiful city right on top of the most active fault line on the planet.

Not very good planning. But we are humans after all, what does that have to do with long term planning? During those early rough and tumble Seattle days, they were way to busy selling camping and mining gear to the gold feverish at an obscene profit to think about long term. In fact, if there is anything about the NW that I can pin point is that they didn't do much thinking about long term at all. Like the I-5 double decker viaduct built on marshland for example. Oh, and the monorail.

Hense back to imminent big one.

I sometime have nightmares about earthquakes. That I am somewhere and the earth starts flopping around like someone is jumping on the bed. It is terrifying. Normal everyday objects become missiles and I wake up with that sick feeling in my stomach.

I haven't had one in a while. But reality is filling in the blank space for me nicely.

I was certainly around for the last good sized one here in Seattle, I guess it was 2000. I had just gone through the Battery Street tunnel, yet another place you wouldn't want to be during a quake, and was heading up to Greenwood. I watched people sidewalk surfing. That is exactly how it looked. I watched telephone poles swaying. I looked around at the other people in the cars and, yes, they were terrified too.

There really isn't much you can do. Strap your house to the foundation. Know which wall in your house is a bearing wall.

Pray if you're the praying type.

I am not.

But I do get the idea sometimes that the earth is mighty pissed off at us. Couldn't blame her really with all the shallow regard we have been heaping on it for say... a very long time.

My thoughts are with my human neighbors is Haiti and Chile. It might just be use someday.