To blog or not to blog, that is the question

Where do the words come from? Do they spring fully formed from our heads? Is is slow, arduous or creatively constipated? Or do the words spill, wash then overflow?

For me, all of the above. I didn't really know what it was going to be like when I began my blog and I was mighty nervous when I first hit that "Publish Post" button. Since then, it has gotten easier, faster, more cathartic than I even thought it would.

But, let's remember, this is SELF publishing, stream of consciousness to the Nth degree. These posts never get run through an editors sieve and have the choppy intellectual jumps of a journal. This blog is a tribute to self absorbed focus; all about me and mine. One doesn't apologize for this, it just is that way.

I write about what is bothering me or what makes me happy. I write about stuff that strikes me as odd or just rattles around in my head for too long and needs to get out. I write about sad, scary feelings that are hard to express even to my GGF. And, I write about victory and triumph. In a word, it's a mixed bag and not always pretty.

Do I sometimes go too far with my opinion? Definately. Do I sometimes beat it to death? Perhaps. Do I take too much of my life and smear it liberally in my blog? I am afraid so.

I have always been a passionate, opinionated person. Old habits die hard. And, part of the attraction of blogging is the assumed anonymity. Sure, friends and family read my blog, bless their hearts. I expect they are the majority of the hit count. But I like to think about the people I will never know or meet who stumble upon my blog and stay to read a bit.

If I have offended or ticked off anyone, near or far, with my over the top rhetoric, I apologize. I am not always politically correct. For this I appreciate your understanding. But, I promise that I will always be real.

Mommy guilt or battling the many headed Hydra

"I wonder if my egg was too old?" I remember actually saying this several times and thinking it many. How could anyone not be just a little bit horrified to hear a mother say that. Oh, they were, I am sure of it.

Mommy guilt is a natural part of motherhood. I say motherhood because I don't think fathers bludgeon themselves to the extent that mothers do. Maybe I am wrong but it always seems fathers are just a bit more pragmatic about parenting.

I would describe it as tap dancing through a mine field. When you least expect it; Pow! I wonder if I breast fed long enough? Pow! Maybe I didn't sing to him enough as an infant? Pow! Is he getting enough; food, time, therapy? Pow! It's a no-win war with your own worst enemy and there is no winner in sight.

I think that if your child has special issues, you tend to beat yourself up even more. Maybe it's because it's really one of the only things you can do. Not being able to "make your kid ok" is the hardest, most vulnerable feeling in the world. Being out of control, not being in charge is excruciating for many of us. At least with mommy guilt, we apply the pressure ourselves even if it can be unfairly placed, anxiety provoking and many times irrational.

I feel guilty about Shea all the time. As I try to give voice to the worry it seems flimsy and unsubstantial. Yet, when I wake up in the middle of the night unable to sleep, the guilt is black, deep and amorphous as storm clouds. During the day, guilt is an annoying mosquito; never far from my ear yet easier to ignore as you go about the tasks and duties of life.

I am from the generation that felt like we could have it all. The first generation of girls who grew up with Woman's Lib as a done deal. We didn't have to burn our bras or do epic battle with the status quo but we saw our mothers, teachers, aunts and heroes do it. They did it so we didn't have to, right? Tail end of the boomers; we knew we could have careers, interests, lovers, a full rich life before we settled down to motherhood. Oh, and we did; those were the days my friend. We were the ones that put off babies until later and later in life. Look at me; Molly came when I was 34, Shea when I was 39. We didn't think anything about it. It wasn't odd; in fact it was considered modern, wise, the smart way to do it.

And, yes, there is some wisdom to this. Older parents tend to be more relaxed, financially and emotionally stable. But, there are down sides, of course. And, maybe this is where the guilt comes back into it.

There is something a little wacky about having children during the classic mid-life crisis years. What we we thinking? Or having them so near Menopause. Again, what were we thinking? Then there is just the physical demands. Parenthood is exhausting; even more so if you have some years under your belt. Yes, we are more emotionally stable but maybe we are too thoughtful at times, too circumspect after seeing all we have seen. Dare I say too controlling, set in our ways? Plus, there is the reality of time. I will probably be an old, old lady (if I am lucky enough to still be around) by the time Molly and Shea have children. I probably won't have the luxury of being the spry, springy Grandma like my mom.

So, unfortunately I don't have a silver bullet for this particular beast. I sure wish I did; I would make a fortune. What to do? Get some exercise so that sleep comes easier. Cultivate a small select garden of good girlfriends who will listen and bring you back down to earth. Listen to your husband when he says, "Don't worry, honey." Love your kids, try to be a little kinder to yourself and count your blessings.

Why we do it

I know it's been a little heavy so far so I thought I would lighten it up a bit with a reminder of why we do what we do.

So, let's take some time to focus on what is really important; the kids.

Shea is so sunny; easy going and naturally generous. He possesses the innate wonder of a curious of mind. He loves his family, his cats and the comfort of home. School pals, especially best buddy Gordon, have a very special place in his days. Athough his verbal challenges can be very frustrating for him, tantrums don't last very long and his happy nature comes back almost immediately making him a favorite with all who know him.

We love him as he is, hope for a bright and beautiful future and will do ANYTHING we need to do to get him there.

Good golly miss Molly!

First let me say, despite the teasing, bugging, and incessant pestering, she really is the best big sister Shea could ever want. She is viciously loyal and protective. She is his most ardent teacher and devoted playmate.

She has a sense of justice with an honesty barometer that makes us marvel. She still possesses a guilelessness that makes me afraid sometimes. But with her strong wit and sense of self, she tends to throw the plodders off balance. She enjoys a sharp yet empathic intellect that makes me wonder just how far she will go. As far as she wants to, is our hope. She is our first born and there will never be anyone like her.

Parents, as you all know, are never objective about their own. My truly hilarious cousin-in-law Mike said once, "Why are our kids so much more interesting than any one elses?" How true.

I have heard it takes multiple generations to raise a well rounded child. My kids are lucky. My mom has been poised to be a rock solid grandmother since before the egg split. She takes adoring grand mothering very seriously and has set a new high water mark for our family. Beloved Grampa John sets a new standard for grampas in our family as well and treasures each hug and smooch. He is appreciated for his humor, sense of fun and good graces. Bless you both.

All the above pictures are from our wonderful trip to visit John & Ruth in their super terrific Hawaii beach house last Feb. 08. Lucky us!

In the beginning....

This is my first blog entry...ever. So, lets see if I can figure this out.

What do I want to accomplish with this blog?

1. Tell Shea's story
2. Connect
3. Give hope
4. Not over think what I share; just share.

Thanks. Ok, here goes...